Saturday, October 9, 2010



It’s over! I did it! 2:33:51 with an 11:45 net pace!

So today was the big day! The day I’ve been training for since June! Crazy Crazy!

Yesterday I wasn’t exactly sure how to prepare for this half marathon, so I decided that a mani/pedi is an excellent way to get ready for anything. So after my mani/pedi, I headed home. I had tostito’s with guacamole, eggplant fries, and pasta. Not quite sure why I had the first two, but ohhhh whatever. I went to bed around 11:00 and slept the entire night through. I had one dream that the marathoners were starting and they shot a gun! (That apparently doesn’t happen in real life.)

So when I woke up in the morning, I was a bit nervous, had those butterflies floating around. I didn’t rush, as you can tell since I blogged in the morning before I left. When I did leave I didn’t hit any traffic through Hartford! I wish that could happen during the week.

So as I pull up, I pretty much follow the herd to parking. As I’m walking up to the starting line, there is this f’n cop. Now, I have recently started to enjoy some cops, however, as most know, I think most cops are of the swine descent. And this cop I ran into today is a prime example. I, along with several other runners, are walking from our cars and the cop goes “You better hurry up! The race starts in 10 minutes!” And I just sort of looked at him…and then he looks back and goes “I’m serious! Start running!” So I continue walking and think: That prick, I’ve got 30 minutes. Then I see everyone else start panicking and then start running! This being my first race, and the fact I was alone, I ashamed to admit it, but….I followed the herd. I picked up my pace and started running. And then about 30 seconds later, I hear over the loud speaker “Runners! Race time- 30 minutes!” So I stopped running and confirmed the fact that some pigs are just f’n pigs. (And some are very nice.)

Alright, so I walk up to the start line and there are THOUSANDS of people. It was insanity. There were so many people and they were already lined up! I had no idea why people were going to stand in line for 30 minutes. I, luckily, had something to do. I had to find the bag drop because I thought it would be a good idea to bring a gym bag full of crap I didn’t need. One never knows, though! I ran into a friend from work who was running the 5K and when I asked her where the bag drop was she started freaking out saying I better hurry up! So that made me a little nervous, but I was quick and was back to the start before anyone noticed. Ohhhhhh wait….no one would notice because I was the only person there who was alone! That is the one thing I’d change about today. I would definitely at least start the race with someone. Kinda sucked starting alone.

So anywaysssssss, as the race started, we walked until we got to the start line and then my section picked up the pace. The main advice I’ve received from experienced runners is that you shouldn’t start the race with too fast a pace, so I started with my normal pace. Things were going great. Got cut off a couple times. Smelled some nasty ass BO. Smelled some people relax their ass muscles. Saw some guy running whilst pushing a baby’s stroller, which was very interesting.

The first six miles were not bad at all. Sort of floated through. Silently laughed inside my head when I passed people who were walking. They clearly started the race at too fast of a pace. HAHA, Suckers! So once I get to the sixth mile, people were handing out energy gels, aka toothpaste. I was eating chocolate toothpaste while running, it was nasty, but I figured if they’re handing them out to people who have just run 6 miles, there must be a reason for it, so I sucked it down even though it was nasty. Things were moving along quite nicely, except for the fact that the course designers thought it would be a good idea to put all the hills in the second half of the race. There weren’t too many hills, but still, is there a reason the hills couldn’t be in the beginning of the race?! So I kept on and then I hit Mile 10. Holy shit, this is where the pain began! This is right about the time my muscles decided they wanted me to know what it was like when muscles freeze and eventually fall off. I kept going even though it was horrible. And the only reason I kept going was because of this damn blog! I knew I would want to say I ran the entire thing instead of saying I mostly ran and then walked a little. So I’ll tell you the truth. I ran the entire f’n half marathon! HOLLA!! At mile 11 I stopped at the water table to actually drink a cup of water. The reason I decided to stop here was because every time I tried to drink a cup of water whilst running I got nothing. So I stopped once and then finished those last two miles.

I passed a nice cop when there was half a mile left. He yelled out there was half a mile left and then he told me to not listen to my brain. Not the best advice, seeing as my brain kept saying “You can do it Lauren! Keep going, less than a mile left!” (Loser? Yessssssss.) What the cop should have said was “Don’t listen to your legs!” My legs were telling me to quit for the last 3 miles, that was insane.

So I’m running and there is an overpass that says “Hartford Marathon” and there I go thinking that’s the finish line…IT WASN’T! It was just an overpass! So I pushed myself for an extra quarter mile, which was good. So I’m running through the end and I feel like I’m on top of the world.

There were hundreds of people cheering all the runners on and then I see the finish line. And I feel this stupid emotion start to creep up my throat. When I crossed the finish line, I started f’n crying!! It was insane!! PAGING DR. FAGGOT! I’ll be the first to admit, definitely a gay thing that I cried at the end of a half marathon. Emotional shit though. Toughest accomplishment of my life, and I finished it. I wasn’t heaving or crying hysterically but a couple tears definitely went down my face. Then I composed myself and saw my parents and then gave them a hug, so that started it up again. After that round I was all set and felt like a f’n champion!

The news reporter must have seen my shit-eating grin and she came up to me and asked me if she could interview me. I clearly try for any attempt on T.V. so I said of course! Check me out tonight! 10:00 News, Fox CT HOLLA!

Alright, I apologize this blog is so f’n long, but it is the DOAFGGS finale. And on that note, people have been asking me what the hell that shit stands for this entire time. So here it is: Diary of a Fantastic Goal Gone Successful. I couldn’t tell anyone before because I wasn’t sure if I was going to actually have this goal be successful, but I am proud to say that yes, I indeed successfully completed a half marathon!

So this may be the DOAFGGS finale, but don’t you worry my friends, I’ll be starting a new blog quite soon. And those of you who just rolled your eyes, go f*ck yourself. You choose to read this shit son! Nowwwwwwwww off to celebrate my accomplishment!

Morning of....

Alright, it's 6:32 am and I'm sitting in my kitchen an hour and a half before race time. Now, this is my first race ever. I'm nt exactly sure why I decided to start with a half marathon. A simple 5k would have been just as rewarding, but now, I decided 13.something miles was the way to go.

I would like to pull a Jeffrey from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire and start the race, but then hop into a cab to bring me to the finish line. Orrrrrr, even better, I'd like to pull an The Office move and hop into a cab, grab a meal, and then have the cab drop me off at the finish line. I wonder if I can convince any other slackers to do this with me. Highly doubtful. I went to pick up my bib yesterday (P.S. I love that they call it a bib.) and there were hundreds of runners at the XL Center. Not one of these people looked like a slacker. However, I may be able to find several in the back of line where I will be starting. :)

I'm just kiddinggggggg. These two tiny feet are going to take me all the way to the finish line. My goal today is to finish. I'll post again once that goal is accomplished, which it will be!

P.S. They gave us a very cool running shirt when we picked up our bib. Is this totally going to give away that this is my first race?

P.P.S. They highly discourage iPod use. F that. Ludacris Pandora will be what gets me through! Alright, I'm off!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Why would someone jump out of a perfectly good airplane?

Last weekend of summer turned out to be a pretty damn good weekend. Trav and I had a lovely evening on Friday night walking to and from dinner discussing how much we DO NOT want to go back to school. We then donated $10 to a fundraiser the restaurant was promoting. We're pretty good people, I know.

I, then, had two of mah biffles join me at the condo for the latest episode of Jersey Shore. Has to be one of the most entertaining shows I've watched, but enough with the Sammy-Ronni drama. Get over it Sammy, he made out with some grenades...shit happens.

Stephanie, Kasey, and I wake up Saturday morning to get ready for any other normal Saturday. Wait, no....not any other normal Saturday. We got ready to go...SKY DIVING!

Yes, I went sky diving, and it was the most amazing experience of my life. For people who say they would never do that or that they're scared, man up. You have not lived until you've been sky diving.

Steph paid for Kasey and I for our birthday presents over the past 5 years. Pretty damn good friend=pretty damn good present. Thanks Stiffy! I did not get the video which I'm pissed about, so I don't want to talk about it...

The weather was simply amazing. Not a cloud in the sky and no wind. You literally could not have asked for a better day than yesterday. Only three tandem divers could go up at a time, so we thought that would be perfect. Well, we were wrong. Since Steph was the first person to hand her paper work in, she had to go with two randoms. So the girl who paid about $645 that day, had to go by herself. And her boyfriend was actually the third for our trip. Ms. Garrison was not too thrilled. Sorry your shit is weak Steph and you didn't read any of the million paragraphs on the waiver and just signed your life away to be the done first.

Steph is the first to go and when she comes down, the first thing she says is "That was f*cking.... (we're all waiting for: awesome, the coolest thing I've ever done, amazing) sooooooo scary!" Steph then goes on a ten minute rant of how it was the scariest thing she's ever done and it was fun, but so scary!

Thanksssssssssssss. Kasey, Chris,'re up. Good luck!

So once you're in your suit, your partner comes over to strap you in and talk to you. Things got pretty awkward, especially for guys. There is a lot of touching and awkward position, I'll leave it at that.

So we're going up in this tiny plane and there are 6 expert divers in front of us who think it's fun to f*ck with the newbies. I did not enjoy their presence. So we finally get up to 14,000 feet and my diving partner decided to give me a high five. Sorry I'm not sorry my hands were least I did pee myself...or worse...

So Kasey is the first to go out of the three of us and she goes up to the open door with her partner strapped in behind her. On 3, they jumped and then DISAPPEARED. It was insane, now you see them, now you don't. That was after Kasey looked back at me with a look of sheer terror on her face. And after Steph's comments of this being the scariest thing she's ever done, I'm just about ready for jump out of a plane.

So my guy, Walt, and I shimmy up to the opening and I look out to see nothing but blue sky and a tiny landscape 14,000 feet down. I start to think "Holy shit, I'm going to jump into the air with nothing underneath me...What if the chute doesn't open? What if my guy has a heart attack mid-way through the air? What if..." My thoughts were stopped by Walt: "Okay, here we go!"

Luckily I was not the one who had to do anything except lift my feet and go into "banana position." As soon as Walt is happy with my position, Walt jumps out of the plane.

Talk about a truly 'Holy Shit!' moment.

My stomach drops. Wind is slamming me in the face. I'm free falling through the air at about 120 mph. Luckily my stomach only dropped for the first few seconds and I kept thinking "I don't like this, I don't like this!"

I was free-falling for 45-60 seconds thinking "I'm not talking through this entire thing!"

Then Walt pulled the chute. BINGO!

That shit wakes you up!

So now Walt and I are chilling thousands of feet in the air, and I can't shut up. I must have said "This is f*cking awesome!" about 87 times. I also said "This is literally the coolest f*cking thing I've ever done!" about 39 times. It was just amazing. I can't even describe how incredible this experience was.

Walt turned into quite the tour guide. He showed me UConn, Gampel shines brightly when the sun is high. He showed me Springfield, MA. He then whipped us around and showed me Hartford.

And just as I'm beginning to relax, he goes "Are you comfortable? This looks a little tight." And then loosens my chest strap! I grab hold even tighter, white knuckles at this point, and go "Walt! No!! I'm fine, don't loosen anything!" And Walt has the nerve to go ahead and laugh about it!

We then see Kasey floating through the air pretty closely and Walt says, "Let's go see your friend." So we float on over to Kas and her instructor, who desperately wanted Steph.

Kasey and I were like little school girls giggling like crazy and screaming "This is f*cking awesome!" Then our instructors let us "see-saw" with each other and then we eventually parted.

At this point I'm pretty calm, I even let go and was just sort of hanging loose. Then Walt asks if I want to steer. At this point I'm getting pretty damn ballsy so I say "SURE!" I then continue with "You're not going to let go though, are you?"

And again, Walt thinks he's hilarious f*cking with the amateur and he goes "Well what do you mean? Like this?" and he lets go of the steering handles! I, of course, scream "WALT! NO! Are you insane?" Basically having a heart attack mid-air and he goes "It be a pretty dumb design if it stopped working if you let it go." And then I thought well, yes, but that doesn't mean I don't want to punch you in the face any less.

So I take the handles and start making turns left and right, going up and down, and then we tried a bunch of spirals which were freakin' nuts and amazing.

Then Walt drops the ball that I have to make sure I can lift my legs straight up for our landing. So he asks me to lift my legs and I can barely get them at a 20 degree angle. In my head I'm like "Shit, I'm not flexible enough for a smooth landing." Walt then tells me it's because I, I'll repeat that, I (would make that a bigger font if I could) have to adjust the straps. So I have to lift my leg and pull the strap down my thigh making things looser, aka, scarier.

Once I adjust both legs I feel like I'm going to fall out of the chute. Luckily I was only about 4,000 feet in the air. As we come in for our landing I ask Walt if we're going to slow down and he says, "I'm not really sure, most likely since it's not that windy, but possibly no. Okay, Lift your legs!" So as we're zooming into for a landing I lift my legs and we land. My feet hit the ground first which didn't feel too hot on my ankles, and then my ass hit, pretty hard. However, not as hard as this other kid Eric who was pretty sure Walt had a thing for him. We don't think Walt minded the hard ass-fall for that same reason.

So Walt and I get up, he unstraps me, gives me a hug, I tell him how much I love him and then I run over frantically shouted "That was f*cking awesome! Coolest thing I've ever done!" I, then, proceed to jump up and down actually jump on Kasey who is toothpick thin at this point. Not the best idea, but it's alright because she was freaking out just the same.

Walt asked me to sign his log book and I go, "Okay! Can I also write something?" And he said "Sure, if you have some room." So I sign: Lauren Catalano :) F*ckin Awesome. Walt was not pleased. I think he was expecting a thank you.

After we went, we had to wait for our massive group to go. And it was the same for everyone. Scared and awkward beforehand and then jumping and screaming like a moron afterward.

We then went to barbeque and have quite an enjoyable day of day-drinking, which we all know is the best kind. (Cava, I know what I said, but I had to drink after sky diving. It would have been a sin not to.)

Kasey and I then proceed to drive home to Down the Hatch and then we triumphantly ended the night at Tom and Jerry's in Brewster. All-in-all, best day of my life. Garrison, thank you a million times and more for the best present I've ever been given.

And now onto my second year of teaching...this should be interesting...

P.S. 8 Mile Tempo Run on Thursday...Who am I? B-Rabbit.

P.P.S. 9 mile run tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I don't understand...

I don't understand why there are days when you can feel like superwoman and run 9 miles and then, there are other days you struggle through two miles. Today, I ran...and that's not jog, that's not walk...that's RAN 9 miles. The average was 12 minutes and 13 seconds which is pretty damn good for me. I have to say, I did not know if I could even finish the 9 miles with walking included.

The running was relatively easy today. And it was outside with wind and rain. I also had my iPhone while it was raining so I was a little nervous. I brought my hand inside my t-shirt and it looked like I had only one arm. Several people passed me with that "Wow, I'm so impressed by that person who has it worse than I do." I let them think I had one arm.

Speaking of sappy stories of people who exercise and inspire millions, the Hartford Marathon Foundation asked me if I had a story. I mean everyone has a story, so I said yes. Apparently they weren't looking for my story.

After I received the initial email, I told Hartford Marathon Foundation about my blog and my apparently insignificant story, and this is what I got back:

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for sharing your story! I'll be in touch should any media be interested in speaking with you.

Good luck with the training!

Although, this woman who emailed me is very nice, I think she sees that no, there is no story here. At least no story that would send chills down someone's spine or make an overly-sensitive woman...or man...cry out of such inspiration. So I believe you will be my only media for the rest of this experience...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Quarter-Swallowing, Toothpick-Stabbed 3rd Graders

So I've had a mental lapse in this whole half marathon thing. I've continued my training, but I'm definitely not as excited about it as I was before. Before, I was like I can conquer the world bitches! And now...not soooo much. I was discouraged on the treadmill the other day. I can run 8 miles on the treadmill on a 0.0 incline, no problem. Pretty bad least, that's what I thought.

After having a tough time on an outside run, I decided maybe I should change the incline to resemble an outside run. Welllll F that. That shit is so hard! It made me start freaking out about the 13 miles I need to run OUTSIDE. So yes, I've started to freak out just a little bit. Luckily for me, Chris LaCava is a very motivating person. We've facebook chatted about these anxieties and he has made me realize that everyone goes through this and I just need to refocus and train harder for the next 7 weeks, which is the plan.

(P.S. My blog is telling me that facebook is spelled wrong...what?! How has facebook not been added to the dictionary yet? I wonder what the definition would be? "A tool is in which most users spend about 53.5% of their waking minutes glued to the computer screen." or "A program where stalkers have many options available to stalk their prey." or "An instrument in which women may monitor their husband's technological flirting." There would just be so many options...anyone have any suggestions?)

So anyways, I have to get back on the hog with this training thing. Now, I have to get back on the hog whilst (I love that word) beginning my second year of teaching. Now my first year of teaching went pretty well, I mean, I was hired again for a second year. However, I did have some catastrophes which at this point are pretty amusing.

First, I had a student who swallowed a quarter under my supervision. My students were working pretty hard, minus one group...I came to find out. I'm walking around the classroom ensuring all students are learning when I hear: "OMG, I can't believe you did that!" I, of course, double take and make a B line toward their table.

I am curious to find out what this student did that the other students were in complete shock of. So I ask, and the student in question says "I swallowed a quarter." Now, I, praying to the heavens above, ask "You mean you swallowed a quarter a long time ago, right?"

And the student answers "Yes."

Sweet, I'm in the clear. I don't care that he swallowed a quarter when he was 2 and then his mom fished it out of his diaper.

......And then this student drops the bomb..."Well yeah, I swallowed a quarter a couple of years ago and I swallowed a quarter a couple minutes ago."

My response: "WHAT?! You swallowed a quarter WHILST in this classroom?!"

His response: "Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. I've done it before and nothing happened. Annnnnnd, I just won a bet."

Great. Thank you student. I now have to tell the principal and nurse why you swallowed a quarter under my watch.

The policy is that students may not come back to school until the object has "passed." Meaning, yes, the mother will have to search through his poo every day until she finds the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.

The student was out for an entire week missing his first CMT. Bravo Lauren, Bravo.

Another incident. As a third grade teacher, I teach a math unit on 3D shapes. To help students wrap their minds around the difference of 2D shapes and 3D shapes, we made 3D shapes using toothpicks and marshmallows. The students had a great time and the lesson went well because the objective was met. My mentor teacher, who has been doing this project for 20-something years, told me that students may take home one shape to show their parents and explain what it is.

Of course, the project having marshmallows in it, the students are dying to eat marshmallows. So I give them each a huge handful of marshmallows at the end of the lesson. I tell them, "DO NOT EAT THE MARSHMALLOWS FROM YOUR PROJECT! YOUR DISGUSTING, LITTLE HANDS-maybe I didn't say disgusting-HAVE BEEN HANDLING THEM FOR AN HOUR AND THEY ARE NOT SAFE ENOUGH TO EAT."

So the day ends and I send them off with their projects. About 10 minutes after the last bus has left, someone comes running into my room telling me one of my students is in the nurse's office and it seems pretty serious. My first thought, "Oh shit, what happened?" Then the messenger told me it was this girl in my class who is one of the smartest children I've ever met. She started the Harry Potter series in April and was finishing the 5th book by the end of the school year. When I was told it was her, I was safe. This child would not be dumb enough to completely disregard her teacher's instructions and eat a marshmallow, therefore exposing a toothpick. SO I go to the nurse thinking maybe she tripped and skinned her knee or maybe she threw up.

Wellllll, I guess children will be children, smart or not.

This child put her project down on the bus seat, ate a marshmallow, and then stood up. Her project was a cube, so there was a toothpick sticking straight in the air, sort of resembling something out of Saw 57. (How many of those movies at this point?) As this student sat back down (You know how children sit so gracefully...HA.) she slams down onto the toothpick. And when I say slam, I mean SLAM. There is no other way she could have sat because of how far this toothpick was jammed into this poor child's leg.

The nurse and I could only see half of the toothpick, which means about an inch of cheap, spiky wood was lodged into this girl's leg. It was so far in, it punctured a muscle.

So, as a result of my actions, a student has a toothpick spear sticking out of her leg. I thought I was gonna get it when the dad came in. I put my game face on and was ready for the screaming and yelling that was about to occur.

Out of sheer luck, this kid's dad (who I've never met) is freaking awesome and laughed and asked the child why she ate the marshmallow. HA! Yes, always blame the child!

First year teacher is in the clear....

These were two big misfortunes of my first year. We'll see what happens this year. I'll probably need my half marathon training to take my mind off of quarter-swallowing, toothpick-stabbed children.

Monday, August 9, 2010

I promised I wouldn't lie....

Shit....I promised I wouldn't lie, so I can't. This is public as motivation for me to keep going to finish this half marathon.

I got back from a cruise yesterday. Now, this cruise was probably my 10th or 11th cruise. You could say I'm quite experienced when it comes to cruising. I know my stuff. I went on the Holland America Veendam, which might possibly be the absolute worst cruise ship currently sailing the seas. Now, I don't want to complain because I just went on a vacation. I definitely relaxed and had a few (x10) good laughs along the way. However, I will never again take a cruise on the Holland America line. Just to give you a peek at the complaints:

-I found a used loofah sponge in my shower.
-I found an old man's pair of blimp-sized tighty-whitey's in my drawer.
-There was rust all over the ship.
-There was absolutely nothing planned for passengers to do, minus the Lido deck golf tee competition that ended in a woman gushing blood from her head. (Smart idea idea.)

Now this is just a glimpse and I'm sure it doesn't seem that bad, but my mother had a list going of about 25 by the second day of the vacation.

So, it might have been the worst cruise ship, however, we made the best of it. I just finished a week (that's a full seven days) of drinking and eating. I know everyone says this after they come back from vacation, but honestly...all day and all night, drinking and eating. It was actually pretty ridiculous. Every single night, we ordered room service, and every single morning we ordered room service BEFORE going to breakfast on the Lido deck. Absolutely sickening.

Kristen Greene (who came with me) and I tried to work out....once. We were sailing at this point. Let me just tell you, running on a treadmill on a moving boat just plain sucks. You are literally holding on for dear life because every twenty seconds you're being thrown to one side of the treadmill which completely throws off your balance. Kristen was beyond frustrated and freaked out. She got off the treadmill at about 1.25 miles and went down to shower. I finished my run, which was luckily only 2 miles.

Now after that experience, you would think we would never work out again on the ship. Well you're right...we didn't. (Even though the ship was docked for 3 days and we would have been just fine....I told you, I wouldn't lie to you.)

I'm not quite sure what was going through our minds, but we were determined to work out every day. Half of my suitcase was filled with work out clothes, and every morning I'd say: "This will be the day I start working out on vacation." And you know what happened every day...? I got drunk before I could work out.

There was nothing else to do on the ship! We'd be so bored, that we wouldn't know what to do, so we'd just go see Wang Wang. Wang Wang was our bartender, and no, his name is not Wang Wang. His name is actually Emerson and he's the shit. I think the reason we liked him so much is because within the first hour of our vacation he suggested we drink either a "BBC" or a "WANG WANG." I mean, how could you not love a guy like that?! After about 3 days of us Americans laughing at BBC, he finally asked why we were laughing. When we told him what it means "on the streets" he said he would never again suggest a BBC to an American.

Alright, so you caught me. I only worked out once in an entire seven days. I didn't think this would be a huge deal, but you guessed was a huge deal. I just went to downtown Bethel and tried to run 8 miles. Try is the key word there because I, in fact, could not run 8 miles. I could not run more than 3 miles. At 3 miles, I was toast.

I'm not sure of the reason. There are three possibilities I was thinking about as I was basically dieing on the road:

1. I ate and drank my face off for a week.
2. I didn't work out at all during that week.
3. I ran on the road instead of on the treadmill which is indeed easier.

I've come to the conclusion, that it is a mixture of all three of these reasons. So I was pissed. I was really, really pissed at myself. So you may disappointed with me, but I am more disappointed. I guess I have to work myself up back to 8 miles. I will be running every day this week, so I'll keep you posted about what happens.

On a funnier note completely unrelated to running:

If you've ever played the game Catch Phrase, you know how unbelievably fun it is. It is a word game in which you have to get your team to guess the word that only you can see. To hear what people say can be pretty hilarious.

For example: I was visiting Brother in California a couple of years ago. We were playing this game and the word he was trying to make people guess was "Big Bird." Now, instead of saying a large, yellow, fluffy flying thing on Sesame Street, Jeff starts with "Okay 2 words, the first word...Tom Hanks was in this movie!" So I start yelling "Forrest Gump...Cast Away...You've Got Mail...Turner and Hooch!" Then the buzzer goes off. When Jeff told me his word was "Big Bird" I was on the flooring rolling. He went the most roundabout way to try to get me to guess the word big! He could've even said "opposite of little!"

So that is an example of how funny the game can be. (Which may not be too funny, this whole thing might be a "You had to be there" kind of thing, but oh well, I think it's hilarious.) We played on the cruise, and I never thought I would laugh at something said after the game.

Jeremy, Scott, Kristen, and I were playing. We were all doing pretty good, but there were some words the game was showing and we didn't know what or who they were. So we would always talk after each round and laugh about the words chosen and how we would choose to explain them.

The best, however, was when Jer said "Some of the words are just so ridiculous! Honestly, though...who is Pickle Spears?"

Take it in....

Yes, he asked who is Pickle Spears! I was literally hysterical for about 5 minutes, until I could catch my breath and I said "No, no, an actual pickle." Then everyone started laughing, and then Kristen says "Ohhh...but...who would put a pickle on a stick??" Again...I was hysterical. It was the funniest round of Catch Phrase I've ever played.

Alright, sorry for the long post, but I figured since you haven't seen me for a week, it'd be alright.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Who's the ass?

Sooooo.....I'm the ass.

I went to the gym tonight to complete a 7 mile run. There were 3 miles at 11:08 and the rest were jogs to start, end, and in between. Things went pretty good minus two things.

First, my hand hit the iPod cord and my iPod went flying off the treadmill. I'm the ass who had to jump off, almost tripping, to retrieve said iPod. I literally saw two people "secretly" laugh at me and then a third blatantly laugh in my face. He was also on the treadmill next to me in which we continued to run in unison for another several miles. Now in this situation, do I say something? And by something, I mean, something along the lines of "Yeah, I know, I'm the asshole." I ended up not saying anything, so he probably thinks I'm stuck up, but I'm okay with that.

Second, what the hell is up with treadmills at the gym? I'm not sure if it's because there is a "30 Minute Limit When People are Waiting" sign or the gym owners don't want people to pass out, but every time I do a long run the treadmill decides I've had enough at 5 miles. So then when I hit 4.75 miles, I feel an abrupt jolt and the treadmill goes into cool down mode. Then I bump it back up to my normal pace and two seconds later, it attempts cool down mode again. What the front door?! I'm not sure if you've been on a treadmill and this has happened to you, but it sucks. Does anyone know how to make this not happen? Whenever I finish a run like that, after several under-the-breath swears, I promise myself to ask a trainer how to fix it, but I always forget. Then I remember as I try to catch myself and not fall the next time I run. I do not enjoy when that happens.

I do enjoy the new Rihanna and Eminmem song. Well, at this point, it's not new. However, there is something I don't understand about this song. Here are a couple of lyrics from the song:

But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again

If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

And here are some headlines that have to do with Rihanna from a couple months ago:

Not the first time Chris Brown abused me, Rihanna tells police: report

Rihanna Seen at L.A. Hospital; Chris Brown Charged With Making 'Criminal Threats'

Rihanna's Injuries -- "Horrific"

Report: Rihanna Tells Cops Brown's Hit Her Before

Soooooooo, why would someone who is a victim of domestic violence willingly be a part of a song that is basically about domestic violence. Am I missing something here?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

One of My Jedi's at a Talent Show!!

The embedding code isn't working, so copy and paste this into your browser:

Stranger Man and Crazy Produce Man-Child

I'm house sitting at the Pliego's who just went to Orlando, Florida to surprise their very good friend Betsy for her birthday...lucky bastards. Well, they have a treadmill with a TV in it in their basement, so I figured it would be a good opportunity to get my long run in. I start running and it's alright. I'm going at my normal 5.0 speed, watching FRIENDS. Now FRIENDS, is a favorite, so I kept wondering why I was watching the distance calculator and wondering what the hell was taking so long. I'm starting to cramp up, I'm sweating bullets, and FRIENDS just isn't cutting it (which should never happen).

At 2.5 miles, I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me. Maybe it was the lunch I had earlier today. Maybe, it's because I hadn't run since the past Thursday. Maybe, it's because I didn't drink enough water toady. hits me. I'm running on the treadmill of Nicole Pliego, a woman who runs...for fun. She's also a teeny, tiny woman who I'm sure loves to challenge herself during a good run. So I realize that the incline is probably not at 0.0% which it obviously is when I'm running. After I fumble around on the thing for a couple minutes...whilst jogging...I figure out how to turn it to 0.0% and am instantly amazed at how much easier the run is. I realize that I can actually finish the run and it wasn't a fluke that I could run 7 miles the previous week.

It was challenging, but I finished it. It's very odd how each run feels entirely different. I ran 6 miles last Thursday and the run wasn't tough, but I was exhausted afterwords. I just had to sit down. The run last night was tough as hell during it, but I was perfectly fine after. What the front door? Why is every run a different experience?

On a side note: Congratulations to Chris and Kerri O'Connor! These two lovebirds are honeymooning in Aruba right now after a drunkenly, fantastic wedding. The bartender told Mr. Kaylor that he's been a wedding bartender for 25 years and never in his career, has he made more money in tips or served more alcohol. Does that surprise anyone? We weren't at a wedding, we were at a Kaylor/O'Connor Irish Festival.

I clearly dropped my drink glass on the dance floor. Kerri's girlfriend from college was doing push ups while drinking out of a glass on the dance floor. And then Kerri and her friends were smashing glasses on the dance floor on purpose during the song, "Walking on Broken Glass." Clearly they take things a bit too literal over at Pace University.

The best part of the night had to have been the man-child at my table. Now, a few weeks ago, I made my table with the bride. I said who I wanted and she was okay with it. Then all of a sudden, the bridezilla decides to throw this man-child into the mix. I can't tell you much about this man-child, but I can tell you that he's 38 and doesn't wear a belt or an undershirt. After he'd unbuttoned his shirt to reveal his hairless chest, Travis says "He's everything I wanted....and more."

Travis' statement happened because I had previously warned Trav about this man....child. We were pulling up to the hotel as I was finishing my story about what I knew about this man...child...and from the car in front of us, steps out this guy...a 6'3", white trash, woman-hater. He stands up to reveal his half-empty Bud Light bottle (that I'm sure he stole from somewhere, since his typical drink is a Busch). The man-child then, quite literally, went bottoms up and chugged the rest of his beer, threw it to the side of the hotel entrance, and belched a doozy. He then walks into the hotel, where I walk by and overhear him questioning the hotel manager why they don't have any open rooms. Kerri had told us all months previous that we needed to book our rooms because they're typically sold out in the summer. Man-child doesn't care, and clearly doesn't live by the rules. Not sure where he ended up that night, but I was happy I was at a wedding, in which you were expected to be out of your seat and on the dance floor.

I wonder if Man-Child might be related to Crazy, who I recently saw again swimming in her clothes. This time...she was with a man. Maybe Stranger Man and Crazy mated and produced Man-Child.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Drinking vs. Running

My mom just asked me: "Do you like running now or do you still prefer margaritas?"

I think the answer is obvious. I mean I did enjoy my four mile run last night. It definitely cleared my head, but to ask if I like running more than drinking is just ridiculous!

I'm pretty positive that drinking will always rank higher than running on the fun scale. It may be a close second....wait, will never be a close second.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Zip On!

So I'm just recuperating from my 10th amazing weekend in a row! After the Jedi Training Ceremony on Friday where my Jedi's in Training became official Jedi's able to use and understand the force, Kas and I went and got lunch. This started off the fun where we made friends jealous that we were at the Put Hut at 12:30 on a Friday afternoon drinking a beer. We provided entertainment to a woman next to us who laughed out loud during our conversation. Apparently she was eaves dropping when she heard me say "Alright Kas, don't let me drink too much tonight." (Why would I put this responsibility on the birthday girl?) And Kas's response: "Alright, what I do is start the night off with 2 vodka drinks to get it going and then switch to beer." And I replied "Yeah, that's a good idea. Why am I always the douchebag buying Red Bull and Vodka's all night." This was about the time when the woman literally laughed at us.

As I go home to get ready, I decided to ask my mom her opinion on my outfit. Now that I think about it, this was probably a mistake. Your parents are always your toughest critiques. (They don't enjoy this all.) After several different outfit changes, I decided on shorts and a zebra print top. I came out and said "Mom, is this one better?" And my dad comes strutting around the corner and says "Uhhh NO! You look like a hooker!" I'm hoping my dad at least thought I looked like a high-end hooker. Maybe one for the professional athletes. So I decided that maybe Molly's wasn't ready for the outfit either and changed for about the 8th time.

I did go with the 2 vodka drinks and switch to beer routine. Best decision I've made in awhile. I had a great night, until it was time to go. We go there knowing we have no ride home, so we typically get a cab home. (Which is not a good idea when you're leaving Molly's and going to a house close to Redding. That's a pretty damn expensive cab ride.) Apparently, Danbury only has one cab driver in its entire city. We waited from 1:45am to 3:30am for a cab driver. That's right...1 hour 45 minutes sitting on a stoop being eaten alive by bugs. Shit was crazy weak.

Went to bed at 4:30am and woke up at 7:40am. I then, went home to shower and get ready for the bachelorette party. We started with a ziplining event. It was amazing!! One of the coolest things I've ever done. I walked across a tight rope that was 50 feet in the air! It was nucking futs! Ziiiiiiiiip onnnnnnn!! The place is called Empower Me in Middletown, CT. I highly recommend this for any outing. And I'm definitely doing it again. Maybe, I'll do it the same day I go sky diving.

Yessssss...I'm going sky diving! Steph bought Kasey, herself, and I passes to go skydiving on August 28th! I'd say that is an excellent way to end the summer! I'm turning into quite the daredevil. Thanks Garrison!

After the ziplining, we went back to Mags to get ready and watch her put on a lot of penis paraphernalia. We then went to a drag show. Such a great idea for a bachelorette party. It was an excellent way to end the night. Gay people love a bride to be. After many Cher and Barbara Streisand impersonations, we made it back to Mags to end the night with a feast.

All in all, amazing weekend. And luckily, this week is a short distance week and I only have to run 4 miles today. So after unpacking box after box, I'll end the weekend with a relaxing run.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

3 miles were hard? What?!

So I had another great day of summer today. I taught my awesome group of Jedi's in Training, had lunch with Pops, relaxed a little, bought an iPhone 4, and shopped for a special birthday coming up. I got home around 8:00pm and did not want to all. I did, though, because Chris told me, sometimes you just gotta push yourself to get out there. So I pushed myself, especially because I wanted to try my new shoes.

Well, the shoes were awesome. Literally felt like I was running on clouds. I was excited to feel the difference between no-cotton socks & brand-new running shoes from 6 year old Nike Shocks and blister forming "socks." And trust me, I could tell the difference. It was amazing.


About .2 miles into this run, the good ole iPod decided to freeze on me. Strike 1.

The downpour didn't really cool anything down. Strike 2.

Crazy hills. Strike 3

The 7 mile run I did on Monday was a hell of a lot easier than the measly 3 mile run I just finished. What the front door is that about?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Just For Fun...In honor of my new shoes...Bring it way back with this one...

New Shoes Finally!!

So I finally went out to get new shoes today! After my seven mile run last night, I realized it was time. I was in Bethel for the night and the only shoes I had were my 6 year old Shocks. I ran seven 12 minute miles in those shoes. Let's just say, I have blisters on my feet where I (and probably no one else in this world) has had blisters before. I knew it was time after I took my Shocks off last night.

Now before I move onto my shoe shopping experience, I want you to all take in the fact that I ran 7 miles straight, while watching the Bachelorette. I'm telling you, as long as ABC is playing during this 1/2 marathon, there will be no problems.

In the midst of the torrential downpour, I went to Kilometers in Ridgefield, CT...I highly recommend it. The owner was there and he was an all-around great guy. He helped fit me for my shoes. I first had to stand straight and he looked at who knows what. I then had to stand on this mat that was hooked up to this computer. After that, I had to walk across that same mat forward and backward. The computer then then some computer things and told me that I have extremely high arches and a slight roll when I walk.

We then went to another part of the store, where my foot had to be measured sitting down and standing up. I am a 6.5, but had to buy a 7, because the shoes were made in China. (Sorry tigah now!) He then grabbed the fine pair of Saucony's you see above. I tried them on and then had to run on the treadmill for a quarter mile. Now, I wasn't expecting to have to do this, so I was not wearing a Sports Bra. Ladies, you know what it's like to run without a sports bra. Well, Maybe I should direct that comment to the more, shall we say...chesty, women of the blog world. Let me tell you, that shit is weak. If I've learned anything these past couple of weeks, it's that you need the proper gear to run, whether it's shoes or a sports bra.

I also bought 3 pairs of socks. They are specially made for high-arched people, like myself, and they have "breathability." Apparently that is what I was missing, the whole breathability thing. You should not be wearing cotton socks while you are running long distances. Chris told me he thought the socks were an obvious thing. How is not wearing cotton socks while running long distances an obvious thing, Chris?! Tell me!

The owner at Kilometers also told me he does a free running clinic at 8:45am every Thursday morning at Ridgefield High School. Just thought I'd pass along that tidbit.

P.S. I didn't mind the 7 miles last night and I'm actually excited for the 3 miles today to try out my new shoes. Could it be?! Am I slowly moving toward liking running????

Friday, July 9, 2010

Master C of the Jedi Training Academy

So I'm not hating running anymore. I did 5 miles on the treadmill last night and I was fine with it. I was watching ESPN newscasters bash Lebron for about an hour, so it kept me somewhat interested. I was thinking, if I could watch this while I run and be somewhat distracted, I wonder how many miles I could run if I was watching, say...the Bachelorette? Or....Grey's Anatomy? I could possibly be a marathon runner at this point.

Today, I'm feeling the slight oncoming of medial tibial stress syndrome. For those of you non-medical friends of mine...shin splints. I found this on the internet:

"The risk of shin splints is no reason to give up your morning jog or afternoon aerobics class. Most cases of shin splints can be treated with rest, ice and other self-care measures — and wearing proper footwear and modifying your exercise routine can help prevent shin splints from recurring."

So I'm guessing the fact that I still have not bought new running shoes might be a part of the reason I'm getting shin splints. I also have had a total of 6 blisters on two of my toes. So I will be heading to the store today for a new pair of running shoes. The internet quote says to not give up your morning jog, but to treat shin splints with rest and other self-care measures. I will rest and not run today as I'm treating my very serious condition. Instead, I will my-boyfriend's-last-name a couple laps in the pool. The internet also says "other self-care measures" which I have taken to mean alcohol. So I will be heading out around 5pm to sip on some self-care measure.

Now before I head out to the pool, I have to share what one of my students said today. Maggie Hogan and I are teaching a Jedi Training Academy course in Bethel this summer. The kids are...enthusiastic...about Star Wars. We'll leave it at that. This one boy, who is actually hilarious, almost made me pee myself today. We're sitting in a group coming up with a play and he says, "Master C, can I please go in the other room so I can fart?"

I'll leave you with that...and yes, they call me Master C.

Monday, July 5, 2010

6 Miles

6 Miles down! I jogged the entire thing after the weekend I just had. Yes, I'm slapping my own back. And yes, I want a cookie.

What the french...toast?!

It's been an interesting weekend.

Friday was a good day. I ran those 4 miles on my rest day. My cousin was up with the cutest baby in the world, her son Max, and I had a couple frozen margaritas by the pool. Life was good, until...a certain someone who shall remain anonymous spilled wine all over my personal laptop, which will now not turn on. Then, the ladies who were at the house wanted me to try on the dress I was planning to wear to the wedding. I was then told by these ladies that I should not wear that dress to the wedding. Thank you ladies.

Luckily, I brought a black dress just in case. Well I tried that dress on and that was the winner in these ladies' minds. One problem, there are loops on the dress where a belt needs to go. I do not have a belt. So I then realize it is my mission to find a belt on Saturday morning.

Saturday rolls around. I leave Travis with my family and go looking for a belt. Well, let's just say three stores later, I was not in the best of moods. I finally decide to stop at the good ole Target (said the fancy pants way). I leave Target with four belts. I bring the belts home. I then try on the black dress with each of the four belts and my mother and darling cousin do not like any of the belts. The one I ended up wearing was "okay." So I leave for the wedding feeling "okay." My feet on the other hand, did not feel okay. Putting those heels on over those blisters was pure torture.

We get to the church and obviously we're late, because we can't make it to anything on time. The ushers tell us we have to wait until the bridesmaids go down the aisle. So we are clearly the assholes in this situation. Once we get to our seats, Amy and Jaime get married. (2 things: Not lesbians, and I can't mention anything about the rhyming....)

So we go to this wedding and this is where the heavy drinking begins. A friend suggested a drink called "Rainstorm" because it's a delicious treat. It's called Rainstorm because the bartender has SEVEN children and one is named Rain and another is named Storm. Why did I not ask what the names of the other five are.....? However, guessing them could be a pretty fun game.

The wedding was awesome, the Zoo played and they are the shit. Drinks were good. Then Trav had to leave to go to a bachelor party in Cape Cod, so I decided it would be a good idea to go out. Kasey picked me up and we went to Molly's. And no, I did not change, I went to Molly's in my wedding dress. I then continued to drink until 5:00am and fell asleep on some random couch. Kate wakes up in the morning and has no idea where she is and says to the owner of this house: "Where's Lauren?" And his reply was "I don't know who Lauren is, but there's some blond on the couch upstairs." Keepin' it reallllll classyyyyy.....

Kate and I luckily get a ride back to Kerri's. I'm still in my wedding dress. Lou, Kerri, and I decide that Bagelman is clearly the best option. So we order food, and when I say food, I mean feast. My breakfast cost $15.00. What breakfast can you get at Bagelman for $15.00?

When we get to Bagelman, I'm still in my wedding dress. And I'm definitely still drunk, as are Kerri and Lou. I've never received more dirty looks in my life. I didn't understand it though, because I was in a wedding dress. I was the best dressed one in that fine establishment. Well the people behind the counter didn't think so. They blatantly ignored us about 7 times until Lou literally yells in this woman's face: "What the french, toast?!" After she recovered from this blow, she gave us our food because she wanted us out.

As the three of us are drunkenly devouring our feast, Kerri and Lou decide to provide some fine dining entertainment. I don't know if anyone is familiar with this site called, but I was not. So without warning, Kerri pulls this site up and it is a site where people video chat with each other. However, there is not much chatting and getting to know you. There is a lot of peepee touches happening. So it is basically a site for all the perverts from around the world. People kept "nexting" us because we were just giggling at every person. Must have really been a confidence booster for those fine gentleman who were fondling themselves hoping people will watch.


So I finally get a ride back to my house...still in my wedding dress. Then we head back to the Kaylor's for some more boozin by the pool. I could not drink anymore at this point, so I did not partake, minus the one Bloody Mary I enjoyed.

Then it was time for the birthday party. Whose birthday party you may be asking yourself...oh that's right...America's birthday party. We head over to this lake house in New York and enjoy an excellent fireworks display. Clearly there was more drinking occurring at this point. It was an interesting night to say the least. I won't tell you much about it, but here is a little taste of the texting conversation Kasey and I were having. Now you may be wondering why we would text each other if we were with each other...that was obviously so Kasey could talk about the guy hitting on her. So here's some of the conversation:

Kasey: HaTteee himm
Kasey: Nooo lovvveeee
Lauren: Noooooooooooovvvvvvvvvveeeeep
Kasey: Noo love love dfont hurty me
Kasey: CHopppinesS
Kasey: Meet me haldfFf wayT
Kasey: Hey douche, u go fuck urself faggot
Lauren: Fagggghottttt!!
Kasey: Griiimmmeeee
Kasey: This kids breathe smeels. Like kitty liter
Lauren: Ewww!! Let's get a duff ride home
Kasey: Duff?
Kasey: Hey douche, -p it or I break ur hip
Lauren: Ummm...?
Lauren: Hahha okay zahara
Kasey: No. For reall this kidS breathe smells worse than the dump Lou took earlier
Kasey: I'd ythid happniNg
Lauren: U legit look like ur going to their ip
Kasey Ip?
Lauren: Up
Kasey: ANnnooyyiingh
Lauren: Omg
Kasey: Redic
Kasey: Prob So Coollll
Kasey: FaggggoooootttTt
Lauren: Faggot!
Kasey: Hey douche, ur so sunmnbruneT ur SO cool $

Like I said before...interesting night...

Today is a 6 mile run. My body legit hates me. I haven't taken out my contacts in 2 days. Why am I living my life like I'm on Spring Break? Oh I know...because it's fun. Who knows if I'll be saying that after this run which clearly won't be happening any time soon. On to lay by the pool and take a little nappy with shampoo in my lappy.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Why did I run four miles on my rest day?

So I woke up this morning and went for a four mile run with Kristen. Kristen, you are awesome and you got me through that run. Now, as I'm running these four miles, I'm thinking in my head, why the hell would I wake up at 7:20am on a Saturday (Oh wait, Saturday for me, but Friday for the rest of the world.) to run four miles. My blisters are killing, as is the rest of my body from yesterday's 5.25 miles.

Well I finally figured out the reason. A little man named Jose Cuervo. I am currently by the pool enjoying a frozen margarita.

P.S. I have to say that I ran the entire four miles today, and some, shall we say...tiny....girl had to stop twice to walk! Holla at a playa when you see em on the street!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Suck it!

My entire body was sore when I woke up this morning. On Tuesday, Mags and I went to the gym. (Holla atcha girl Mags!) I ran two miles and then we did spin, which was fine. Well, actually not fine. Might possibly be one of the worst instructors I've ever been to. I never actually heard someone use the term "Beautiful Flat" before this class. This woman used it incessantly, along with the term "Gimme a small increment" to the point where Maggie and I almost left the class. Her ridiculous spin lingo along with her Puerto Rican Poppi music was enough to make the class feel like 2 hours instead of just one. (Side note: I just had to ask Maggie what the small increment term was and she told me and then said "My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it!" and five minutes later she said "I seriously do not like that woman!") Let's just say it was a painful workout in more ways than one.

Yesterday, I decided to go to Boot Camp. That was a mistake. Don't get me wrong, this instructor is the best. He's this little Puerto Rican guy (I'm starting to notice a theme) and he just loves life and you can tell. He is also in the best shape out of anyone I've ever met. He runs his class as if everyone is in the best shape of their life. Well this senorita sue isn't. Every single muscle in my body is in pain.

And today happens to be a big run day. My program says:

Dist: 5 mi, inc
Warm; 2x1600 in 11:15
w/800 jogs; Cool

Now, I don't think I'm at the point where I can run everything, so I had a couple walks in there, but I still think I did a pretty damn good job. (Cava, if you're reading this, tell me if what I did is acceptable.) This is what I did:

Walk 1 lap
Jog 3 laps
Run 4 laps (10:05)
Walk 1 lap
Jog 1 lap
Run 4 laps (11:09)
Walk 1 lap
Jog 5 laps
Walk 1 lap

That would be a total of 21 laps! 5.25 miles. Now the two miles that I ran were pretty damn good because I was supposed to run them in 11:15. I'm pretty sure 10:05 is the fastest I've ever run a mile. "The Annual Mile" that we had to run in school was literally a moment I dreaded every year. So I was not looking forward to circling the track 21 times, but I did it! And a little secret for ya....after the 10:05, I whispered to myself: "Good job Lauren." PAGING DR. FAGGOT! I know I'm a tool, but you know what, in the words of D-Generation X...SUCK IT!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hey CT, FL called...they want their weather back....

I hate running. Running is weak.

Today proved how much of a non-runner I am. I decided to sleep in during the cooler hours of the day only to leave my condo for my run at 11:00am, which didn’t end until 12:30pm, which means I “ran” for one of the hottest hours of the day. Does anyone know what the humidity was today? Oh I do…it was hot. It was so hot the air legit felt wet.

I also decided that it would be great to attempt a 6 mile run on Route 6. If you know Route 6, you know that it is a road FILLED with every kind of shopping plaza/store possible. I thought running this road would be a great idea. I’d have so many distractions; I wouldn’t even realize I was running! Well screw that idea! I did have so many distractions…trying to save my life! I was dodging cars left and right.

Another reason why a busy road is a horrendous idea on a brutally hot day is because there are no trees on insanely busy roads. And no trees means no shade. Absolutely no shade at high noon. Honestly, how much of a moron can I be?

I started the run and the first two miles weren’t bad, which is typically the case. It’s that two mile mark that gets me very time. Things started to get bad on that first hill. The humidity sucked ass, but I think what was worse was the two twin blisters my pinky toes decided to start forming. I bought cheap ass socks at Wal-Mart yesterday thinking oh these socks will be great. They’re nice and low so I look cool. No kankles here. Well I’d take a kankle look any day after what felt like my pinky toes rubbing raw. I have two of the biggest blisters I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I haven’t popped them yet, because they kind of look cool. People see them and think… ‘Ooohh I wonder what athletic event that girl was involved in? Is a she a runner, a ballet dancer, maybe a pole dancing stripper?’

The blisters may have also been from the fact that I bought these sneakers three years ago and because I spent a lot of money then, I think they should last way longer then they’re supposed to. Alright, alright! New shoes and thicker socks are on my shopping list.

The blisters were bad enough, but because of the humidity my hands decided to swell like 50,000 bees stung them. They looked like a mixture of my Gramps' hands and an 11 month pregnant woman. That's right, I said 11 months.

The run might also have been hard today because of the booze-fest that occurred on Saturday. I won’t give away too many details, but one comment from the weekend is just so ridiculous that it has to be posted. A friend who shall remain anonymous had such a booze-face on that she thought it was perfectly acceptable to say “Wanna play manhunt....slut?!” to a 9 year old girl. My friend was then uninvited to a party, which resulted in us going to a bar and getting home around 3 am. Well played Lauren and friends, well played.

(This was from yesterday, but because I have no internet I couldn't post until today. So today, is an easy day. 2 mile jog on the treadmill and then spinning.)

Friday, June 25, 2010

What's your sign?

As I was supposed to be packing up "the office" (aka the junk room), I realized how amazing it was outside. I then looked out at the apartment complex pool and realized, I don't need to pack because apparently, we have this place for all of July, as well. (Travis and I have been trying to rid ourselves of this apartment since May, but apparently it's not going to happen until August!)

So I said, screw the office, I'm going by the pool. Now, as I pointed out yesterday, I am a very lucky person because I have the next couple of months to have the option of sitting out by the pool. (Kas, sorry about your luck, pal!) So today I learned that teachers have this option, as well as some other interesting characters.

Now, I've been living in this complex for almost a year now and I've learned that even though this is Farmington, a town where 50 Cent lives, there are still people living here who are about four quarters short of a dollar.

I've got a kid across the hall who lives with his parents and has literally not left the apartment in four years. Every time anyone opens the door, he cracks his door open making sure no one is coming in to kill him. I keep picturing Nick Swardson in Benchwarmers guzzling suntan lotion.

I've got a fireman upstairs who is mad at the world and is unfortunately on call alllllllll night. Living underneath someone who is up all hours of the night sucks.

And we've got a man who bike rides within a one mile radius searching through dumpsters for cans. He also plays hide and go seek with cars by jumping out from behind telephone poles.

Now, I've got all these crazies living here. Today, however, the woman I had the pleasure of viewing....this one, takes the cake.

I walk in to a seemingly okay situation. A couple girls there baking in the sun, a mom and her daughter reading books, a couple drinking some beer and chatting, a mother and her 2 sons, and a nice looking lady.

I set up my towel, sit down, and start to read my book. I'm trying to get into my book, when the woman with her 2 sons comes up to a girl sitting in front of me. She walks over and bluntly asks "Do you babysit?" Now, if I was this girl, I would have proceeded with caution. This mother has been running around the pool asking her kids to "Stop running!" and to "Be nice to each other!" Now, I say asking instead of telling, because her kids are basically just shitting all over her. They clearly run the household, but I'm not sure Mom cares too much. After a couple minutes of pulling the "I'm a good Mom, I swear it!" routine, she sits back down and lights up her cig.

So if this woman came up to me and asked if I babysit, I would simply say "Uhh, hell no." But this girl must be more broke than I am. She said yes and then they get into a conversation about schedules and jobs. Then the mother asks, "Well can you babysit tonight?" Now...I know I'm no mother, but shouldn't someone do a background check or make some reference calls before they leave their children with a complete stranger?

That was the first bit of entertainment. Very hard to read when you're people watching. I try to start reading again, and the Crazy starts.

"What's your sign?!" Now, at this point, I have no idea who this lady is talking to. I am staring a hole into my book praying she's not talking to me. And I'm pretty positive, everyone else is doing the same thing because it gets realllllll quiet. I take a peek from my book and see she's not looking in my direction, but at the nice couple awkwardly trying to avoid her.

She says it again, but this time, louder: "WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?!" Now, I have to give this kid credit because he tried so hard to not start this conversation, but Crazy just wasn't having it. When he realized he was at the point of no return, he answered her with a "What was that now?"

And that was it. It was over at that point. I quietly put my book down and got ready for the show. If only there was some popcorn out there.

Crazy talks to this young couple for about half an hour telling them all about Astrology and if they're interested in astrology after speaking with her, they should pick up this great book she's learned so much from. She then asks if they like Twisted Tea. At this point, I have to take a sneak peek and I look over at her, where she is in fact, drinking a Twisted Tea. Then she starts going off about how good Twisted Tea is but she is so sad it's about to be gone. Now, I thought this was interesting, especially because she was eyeing this young couple's cooler as she was saying this.

The kid, being the nice guy he is, offers her a beer. She then comes back with "I don't think you're allowed to drink alcohol here! But I did notice you have a Diet Coke in there, a Diet Coke would be just great right now." So she throws her empty alcoholic beverage bottle and waltzes over to take a Diet Coke out of their cooler. She then cracks it open and walks over to the mother from before and asks to bum a cig.

I'm sitting on my towel hiding my face because I'm giggling like a school girl, at this point.

After Crazy drinks her Diet Coke and finishes her stoge, she decides it's a great time for a swim. Now being at a pool, you would think one would come prepared with a bathing suit. Crazy clearly doesn't live by the rules. She jumps in, clothes and all. Now this is fine, except.... (OMG, I just had to stop typing so I could laugh.)

Crazy is relaxing in the pool by floating on her back. She's wearing an XL t-shirt. I'm not sure if you've ever swam in your clothes, but if you're wearing something loose, it will indeed float up. Crazy was so relaxed that she didn't realize her t-shirt was floating up. Well either she didn't realize, or she just doesn't give a shit.

I glance into the pool and am greeted by the lovely sight of her two crazy breasts. Not only is that a titillating sight (no pun intended), but it is topped off with an impressive belch that basically puts me into hysterics. The young couple and I have made eye contact and cannot control ourselves at this point.

Crazy is lurking around the pool looking for people to stalk. I, luckily, am a very talented actress and quickly turned looking intensely fascinated with my book. The babysitter wasn't so lucky. (Side note: I am interested in my book, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, except there was one line that I just have to share: I heard that Cocoa wake up to her cootchie spoilt like a rotten oyster. I'm sorry I shared that, but I was so disgusted with this line that I figured it would be fun to disgust anyone who is reading this.)

Anyway, yes the babysitter wasn't so lucky:

Crazy: "What's that, The Godfather, you're reading?!"
Babysitter: "Umm, yeah..."
Crazy: "I've seen that movie."

She moves on and continues to lurk....once she gets out of the pool, she heads right over to the mother and says "If you give me one more cigarette, I promise to pay you back...sometime."

I'm not quite sure if the mother gives up a cig or not, but I do know that she went in for lunch only minutes after.

Then the couple gets up and leaves.

Then the babysitter gets up and leaves.

Then the mother and her daughter look at me and we all realize this is a basically a Mexican Stand-Off.

I, luckily, only have a towel and a book, while they have chairs, a radio, a cooler, and beach bags. They sadly realize I have won this battle, as I hop up and end my pool day early. Suckers....

Now, I realize this post has noting to do with the 1/2 marathon or working out or whatever, but this was something I had to share. Crazy is one for the books, or shall I say, one for the blogs.

Rest Day today, which means Mags and I will be heading to spinning later this afternoon. Now onto some packing aka getting a pedicure. Mmmm, I love not working.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Why did I become a teacher?

5 Miles. 59 minutes, 26 seconds. 92 Degrees. Shit was weak!

Today was the first challenging run. I headed out this morning all on my lonesome with only my iPhone. My iPod was dead, so all I had was the music of my iPhone. The music on my iPhone sucks. I was going back and forth between Rascal Flatts, Michael Buble, Hootie and the Blowfish, and Weezer. Unfortunately, I have about 8 songs on my iPhone, and about half of those songs are sappy love songs. I'm sorry but it gets a little difficult to motivate yourself to the lyrics of "I melt every time you look at me that way..."

As a result of this lack of music, I knew I had to put my game face on. So I ran. At first it was easy, and then it got hard, but then I kept going and it was easy again. The second time it got hard, I wanted to kill myself. But then it got easy again. My body was on a flippin roller coaster trying to decide if I was having a difficult time or finding this run relatively easy.

Luckily the third or fourth time it got hard, I came upon a huge distraction. And by huge, I mean a neighborhood full of multi-million dollar mansions. I live in Farmington right now and if you are unaware, Curtis Jackson also lives or did live in Farmington at one point. 50 Cent, aka Curt, makes millions of dollars because he can spit a rhyme. Yeah I said it, spit a rhyme. He lives in this town, so you can only imagine the type of house he lives in. Well, the street I was running on had those types of houses. Actually I couldn't run on those streets because they are "Private."

As I'm running on the side street, I'm thinking, "Why in the hell did I become a teacher?" I mean, I drive a Toyota Camry, so every time a Lexus, LandRover, Audi, or a BMW drove by, I threw up a little in my mouth. It could have been the humidity, plus the distance running, but I think it was mostly my disgust (aka jealousy) of the cars that were ever-so-politely driving past me.

So as I'm passing these cars, passing runners and bikers with matching Under Armour outfits, and passing dogs with more expensive pedicures than myself, I'm asking myself: why the hell did I become a teacher?

And then it hit me...I'm leisurely running (soooo not a leisure run) at 11:00am on a Thursday. And after, I jumped in the pool for a bit.

That is why I became a teacher.

So to all you teachers out there, congratulations! Enjoy these next couple of months as much as I'm going to. I may be running, but I'm still hoping this turns into an addiction, which people say it does. I mean for someone who hates running with a passion, if I can at least like it, I'll be happy.

But yes, that is why those 9:00 teacher nights are worth it. I get to do whatever the hell I would like for the next 2.5 months. Holler to that!

Side note: I was telling my mom how I'm so happy I started to write this blog. I honestly feel like it's gonna keep me going until October 9 because now that people know I'm doing this, I feel like I have to keep up the blog, which makes me have to keep up the training so I have something to write about. Then my mom said, "Yeah, it's kind of like those weight loss meetings."

And I realized, it's soooooooo not like those weight loss meetings. At such institutions, you pay $100 to have some stranger weigh you and then tell you that taking off your shoes isn't going to make a difference in the amount of weight you lost. And if you're lucky enough to have actually lost a pound, or possibly two, you get a sticker! Now, I realize how exciting it is for my 8 year olds to get a sticker, but those stickers are about 5 cents a pop. Is it really worth the membership price of about $50 a month for a sticker?! What the front door, I ask you. No, it is not.

To those people that go to those meetings, if stickers motivate you, good for you. (I do question your intelligence, however.) And for those of you who are not motivated by a sticker, start a blog.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Today was a rest day which was nice because I’ve been moving crap allllllll day. Travis and I bought a condo which is exciting, but also a shitload of work. Today the Salvation Army came and took our couches, coffee table, entertainment center, and the 2 pink chairs Stephanie and I used to spin each other on in middle school….and high school. (And probably a couple times last year during our 5th year of college.)

There is currently a bed, a chase lounge, a book case, and two TVs in my apartment. As a result of being a cheap ass, or something else as my friend Conte calls me, I only have 20 channels on the T.V. in the bedroom. Clearly this doesn’t work for me unless I’m watching Seinfeld or The Office right before bed.

So I am sitting on a cushion in the middle of a big room, because……………I’m slow. I, me personally, got the chase lounge into the bedroom in August. If I got it in, I should be able to get it out. Right? WRONG!

After I got back from my insane spin class, I attempted to drag the chase lounge into the living room. After about 15 attempts and many “What the front door?”’s (Possibly using a bit more adult language), I said screw it and just took the cushions. So I am sitting in the middle of the floor in my apartment…on a cushion. Such a stud.

So anyway, spin was good. The guy is a slave driver, but then acts all nice at the end. Like, I want to punch you in the face because you only have us one 30 second break in an hour, but I’m too happy it’s over and that I get to go home and have the rest of my Subway sandwich. So I peaced out quick, but that was after he told me there is a glitch in the new iPhone 4 software, so beware you crazy iPhoners that have already or are about to update your phone.

Since nothing funny happened during spin, I figured I could just spit a funny story from Atlantic City. I know this is getting long, but suck it up and read it. How much reading do you do in a day anyway?

So a bunch of girls went to Atlantic City for Kerri’s bachelorette party and it was beyond insane. Thank God it was before this training began. Anyway, the second night was the big bash. After an interesting pre-game, all of the ladies went to this bar called Murmur in the Borgata hotel. DJ Jazzy Jeff was the DJ that night, no lies. He was the best DJ I’ve ever had the privilege of dancing to.

After several people fell off the stage, I needed a bathroom break. When I come out of the bathroom, the entire group of about 15 girls was gone. Who’s the prick? Oh that’s right, it’s Kasey. Leaving me in the trenches…taking grenades, K-Hole.

So I figured the group headed over to the other bar. As I was about to leave to hopefully rejoin the group, I realized I did not cash out my tab. As I walk over to the bar, a man of, shall we say, color? came up to me and asked me if I would like a shot.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever met a 24 year old girl, but the answer to that question, is invariably going to be yes. Sooooo, as you can guess, I said “Yes.” We walk up to the bar and we start talking. The bartender is taking his or her (can’t remember) sweet time coming up to us. So as the conversation gets a little more in depth, (And when I say in depth, I mean he asked me my name and why I was at the Borgata) he then follows with “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

As all of you who are reading this know, yes, yes I do. And I’m not a douche bag, so I said, “Yes, yes I do.” Well apparentlyyyyyyyy, that’s not something a man wants to hear. He actually got pissed and told me I was “false advertising.” Now, I don’t understand this. He asked me if I wanted a shot…I did. When someone asks me if I want something, and I do want that something in question, then hell yes I’m going to say yes. What do you think I’m dumb? Plus, it’s a free shot, I don’t care who it’s coming from. (This cheap thing is starting to become a theme.)

He legit told me he was not buying me a shot and I should stop telling people I want shots. I felt like I was in Seinfeld…. “NO SHOT FOR YOU! 2 YEARS!”

Now, I thought this was the funniest part of this story, but the best part is actually when I told my dad this story. It was Father’s Day and we were out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I thought I would tell a funny limerick to amuse my parents, but this story actually ended in a parental advisory warning.

My dad: “Lauren, do you know what a man wants when he asks you if you want a shot?”

And, I’ll leave it at that.

First big run tomorrow. 5 miles. Yeah, I said big. I’ve ran 5 miles in my life before…twice. Count it, that’s one and then one more. So this may be a challenge for me, and it’s only the first week.

Oh and MOST IMPORTANTLY, Thank you to Chris LaCava for being the best support ever! He ever-so-graciously came up with my entire training schedule for me. Cava, you are the best! THANK YOU!

P.S. He said this to me on Facebook

“:Nice blog. You can give me a shout out if you want. Lol. Enjoy the easy, early weeks.

Yesterday at 11:56pm · LikeUnlike ·

See that…easy, early weeks…CRAP, what am I getting myself into?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

June 22 - Started This Week

Soooooooooooooooo, it started this week.

Yesterday, my 1/2 marathon training started. The best part? It was a rest day. So I can walk around and tell people I started training for a 1/2 marathon, but actually I didn't run all. I'm not really quite sure how that works, but I do enjoy telling people I'm training for a 1/2 marathon, when I hadn't even put on my running shoes. I look like a total stud.

The first run was this morning. 6:20 am. 2 miles. 13:34 minutes per mile. As my students say, Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy Motha F*cka! Well, they don't say the last part...usually it's Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy, ya f*ckin prick! I work in a tough district. 16 white kids, it's insanity. I don't know how I'm still standing after my first year.

So anyway, I go on this run this morning. Wait a minute, 2 miles at 13:34, that's more of a yog. So I go on this yog this morning and I decide to take a road I've never taken. I'm so happy I did because I found this awesome road with a sidewalk that passed a pond and then a lake. Very relaxing. I was so happy to find a place to run near water, but then I also realized what an idiot am....

For the past 6 weeks, I've been searching for a pond near my place so I could find tadpoles for the Pond Life Unit I was teaching. I mean I say I've been searching, I really just kept my eyes peeled during my drive home. However, I told my students that I'd been searching night and day for these damn tadpoles. (Side note: this was after I'd killed the 20 tadpoles a student of mine had already brought in. Woops.)

I finally asked another teacher where there was a pond near the school and she gave me directions. Where I work is in the middle of nowhere. In fact, it's so in the middle of nowhere, my Garmin, aka Glorious Gloria the Garmin, does not recognize most of the back roads. If the Garmin can't find it, this blonde sure, as hell can't. I was lost for a solid 20 minutes, when I came across a pond. (I have no clue if it's the one I was even looking for.)

So I get out of the car and realize I have to hike a good quarter mile in heels, black pants, and as a colleague of mine calls it, my club shirt. The typical hikers stared, but I liked it. Again, I looked like a stud.

I make my hike, roll up my pants, squish through the mud, and scoop up these damn tadpoles. I forgot to mention it was the night of our Celebration of Learning where all parents were joining my students and I to showcase what we've learned. Muddy feet + humid day + hungover from AC Bachelorette Party = Fabulous Teacher.

If only I started this 1/2 marathon training earlier...I could've avoided this entire mess and got these tadpoles a mile from my apartment.

Training will resume tomorrow. Lucky for's another rest day! Spinning, here I come...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

DOAFGGS Entry 1 - May 1, 2010

As I was at my spinning class this morning, I decided that I want to run a half marathon. I've been working out with a friend now for about a month and I haven't seen results. That is because I haven't been counting calories like I should have been. I also took a week off from this weight loss girl during Spring Break, in which I devoured about 7 margaritas for 3 nights in a row.

We all know that when you want to lose weight, taking a week off doesn't work. (Especially when you only started about two weeks previous.)

I've been trying to ditch the flab my entire life. Literally, since I was about 10 years old, I've realized that it's not pretty to be fat. And I've "tried" to change it for about 14 years now. My attempts have been completely half-ass and pathetic based on any standards.

So I'm thinking, if I start training for a 1/2 marathon, there are no excuses. And if I publicize the fact I plan on running a 1/2 marathon in October, then there is absolutely no excuses. If I didn't publicize this, I would be disappointed in myself, but because I am publicizing it, there would be at least one other person disappointed in me if I didn't run this race.

So, here we go........