Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hey CT, FL called...they want their weather back....

I hate running. Running is weak.

Today proved how much of a non-runner I am. I decided to sleep in during the cooler hours of the day only to leave my condo for my run at 11:00am, which didn’t end until 12:30pm, which means I “ran” for one of the hottest hours of the day. Does anyone know what the humidity was today? Oh I do…it was hot. It was so hot the air legit felt wet.

I also decided that it would be great to attempt a 6 mile run on Route 6. If you know Route 6, you know that it is a road FILLED with every kind of shopping plaza/store possible. I thought running this road would be a great idea. I’d have so many distractions; I wouldn’t even realize I was running! Well screw that idea! I did have so many distractions…trying to save my life! I was dodging cars left and right.

Another reason why a busy road is a horrendous idea on a brutally hot day is because there are no trees on insanely busy roads. And no trees means no shade. Absolutely no shade at high noon. Honestly, how much of a moron can I be?

I started the run and the first two miles weren’t bad, which is typically the case. It’s that two mile mark that gets me very time. Things started to get bad on that first hill. The humidity sucked ass, but I think what was worse was the two twin blisters my pinky toes decided to start forming. I bought cheap ass socks at Wal-Mart yesterday thinking oh these socks will be great. They’re nice and low so I look cool. No kankles here. Well I’d take a kankle look any day after what felt like my pinky toes rubbing raw. I have two of the biggest blisters I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I haven’t popped them yet, because they kind of look cool. People see them and think… ‘Ooohh I wonder what athletic event that girl was involved in? Is a she a runner, a ballet dancer, maybe a pole dancing stripper?’

The blisters may have also been from the fact that I bought these sneakers three years ago and because I spent a lot of money then, I think they should last way longer then they’re supposed to. Alright, alright! New shoes and thicker socks are on my shopping list.

The blisters were bad enough, but because of the humidity my hands decided to swell like 50,000 bees stung them. They looked like a mixture of my Gramps' hands and an 11 month pregnant woman. That's right, I said 11 months.

The run might also have been hard today because of the booze-fest that occurred on Saturday. I won’t give away too many details, but one comment from the weekend is just so ridiculous that it has to be posted. A friend who shall remain anonymous had such a booze-face on that she thought it was perfectly acceptable to say “Wanna play manhunt....slut?!” to a 9 year old girl. My friend was then uninvited to a party, which resulted in us going to a bar and getting home around 3 am. Well played Lauren and friends, well played.

(This was from yesterday, but because I have no internet I couldn't post until today. So today, is an easy day. 2 mile jog on the treadmill and then spinning.)

Friday, June 25, 2010

What's your sign?

As I was supposed to be packing up "the office" (aka the junk room), I realized how amazing it was outside. I then looked out at the apartment complex pool and realized, I don't need to pack because apparently, we have this place for all of July, as well. (Travis and I have been trying to rid ourselves of this apartment since May, but apparently it's not going to happen until August!)

So I said, screw the office, I'm going by the pool. Now, as I pointed out yesterday, I am a very lucky person because I have the next couple of months to have the option of sitting out by the pool. (Kas, sorry about your luck, pal!) So today I learned that teachers have this option, as well as some other interesting characters.

Now, I've been living in this complex for almost a year now and I've learned that even though this is Farmington, a town where 50 Cent lives, there are still people living here who are about four quarters short of a dollar.

I've got a kid across the hall who lives with his parents and has literally not left the apartment in four years. Every time anyone opens the door, he cracks his door open making sure no one is coming in to kill him. I keep picturing Nick Swardson in Benchwarmers guzzling suntan lotion.

I've got a fireman upstairs who is mad at the world and is unfortunately on call alllllllll night. Living underneath someone who is up all hours of the night sucks.

And we've got a man who bike rides within a one mile radius searching through dumpsters for cans. He also plays hide and go seek with cars by jumping out from behind telephone poles.

Now, I've got all these crazies living here. Today, however, the woman I had the pleasure of viewing....this one, takes the cake.

I walk in to a seemingly okay situation. A couple girls there baking in the sun, a mom and her daughter reading books, a couple drinking some beer and chatting, a mother and her 2 sons, and a nice looking lady.

I set up my towel, sit down, and start to read my book. I'm trying to get into my book, when the woman with her 2 sons comes up to a girl sitting in front of me. She walks over and bluntly asks "Do you babysit?" Now, if I was this girl, I would have proceeded with caution. This mother has been running around the pool asking her kids to "Stop running!" and to "Be nice to each other!" Now, I say asking instead of telling, because her kids are basically just shitting all over her. They clearly run the household, but I'm not sure Mom cares too much. After a couple minutes of pulling the "I'm a good Mom, I swear it!" routine, she sits back down and lights up her cig.

So if this woman came up to me and asked if I babysit, I would simply say "Uhh, hell no." But this girl must be more broke than I am. She said yes and then they get into a conversation about schedules and jobs. Then the mother asks, "Well can you babysit tonight?" Now...I know I'm no mother, but shouldn't someone do a background check or make some reference calls before they leave their children with a complete stranger?

That was the first bit of entertainment. Very hard to read when you're people watching. I try to start reading again, and the Crazy starts.

"What's your sign?!" Now, at this point, I have no idea who this lady is talking to. I am staring a hole into my book praying she's not talking to me. And I'm pretty positive, everyone else is doing the same thing because it gets realllllll quiet. I take a peek from my book and see she's not looking in my direction, but at the nice couple awkwardly trying to avoid her.

She says it again, but this time, louder: "WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?!" Now, I have to give this kid credit because he tried so hard to not start this conversation, but Crazy just wasn't having it. When he realized he was at the point of no return, he answered her with a "What was that now?"

And that was it. It was over at that point. I quietly put my book down and got ready for the show. If only there was some popcorn out there.

Crazy talks to this young couple for about half an hour telling them all about Astrology and if they're interested in astrology after speaking with her, they should pick up this great book she's learned so much from. She then asks if they like Twisted Tea. At this point, I have to take a sneak peek and I look over at her, where she is in fact, drinking a Twisted Tea. Then she starts going off about how good Twisted Tea is but she is so sad it's about to be gone. Now, I thought this was interesting, especially because she was eyeing this young couple's cooler as she was saying this.

The kid, being the nice guy he is, offers her a beer. She then comes back with "I don't think you're allowed to drink alcohol here! But I did notice you have a Diet Coke in there, a Diet Coke would be just great right now." So she throws her empty alcoholic beverage bottle and waltzes over to take a Diet Coke out of their cooler. She then cracks it open and walks over to the mother from before and asks to bum a cig.

I'm sitting on my towel hiding my face because I'm giggling like a school girl, at this point.

After Crazy drinks her Diet Coke and finishes her stoge, she decides it's a great time for a swim. Now being at a pool, you would think one would come prepared with a bathing suit. Crazy clearly doesn't live by the rules. She jumps in, clothes and all. Now this is fine, except.... (OMG, I just had to stop typing so I could laugh.)

Crazy is relaxing in the pool by floating on her back. She's wearing an XL t-shirt. I'm not sure if you've ever swam in your clothes, but if you're wearing something loose, it will indeed float up. Crazy was so relaxed that she didn't realize her t-shirt was floating up. Well either she didn't realize, or she just doesn't give a shit.

I glance into the pool and am greeted by the lovely sight of her two crazy breasts. Not only is that a titillating sight (no pun intended), but it is topped off with an impressive belch that basically puts me into hysterics. The young couple and I have made eye contact and cannot control ourselves at this point.

Crazy is lurking around the pool looking for people to stalk. I, luckily, am a very talented actress and quickly turned looking intensely fascinated with my book. The babysitter wasn't so lucky. (Side note: I am interested in my book, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, except there was one line that I just have to share: I heard that Cocoa wake up to her cootchie spoilt like a rotten oyster. I'm sorry I shared that, but I was so disgusted with this line that I figured it would be fun to disgust anyone who is reading this.)

Anyway, yes the babysitter wasn't so lucky:

Crazy: "What's that, The Godfather, you're reading?!"
Babysitter: "Umm, yeah..."
Crazy: "I've seen that movie."

She moves on and continues to lurk....once she gets out of the pool, she heads right over to the mother and says "If you give me one more cigarette, I promise to pay you back...sometime."

I'm not quite sure if the mother gives up a cig or not, but I do know that she went in for lunch only minutes after.

Then the couple gets up and leaves.

Then the babysitter gets up and leaves.

Then the mother and her daughter look at me and we all realize this is a basically a Mexican Stand-Off.

I, luckily, only have a towel and a book, while they have chairs, a radio, a cooler, and beach bags. They sadly realize I have won this battle, as I hop up and end my pool day early. Suckers....

Now, I realize this post has noting to do with the 1/2 marathon or working out or whatever, but this was something I had to share. Crazy is one for the books, or shall I say, one for the blogs.

Rest Day today, which means Mags and I will be heading to spinning later this afternoon. Now onto some packing aka getting a pedicure. Mmmm, I love not working.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Why did I become a teacher?

5 Miles. 59 minutes, 26 seconds. 92 Degrees. Shit was weak!

Today was the first challenging run. I headed out this morning all on my lonesome with only my iPhone. My iPod was dead, so all I had was the music of my iPhone. The music on my iPhone sucks. I was going back and forth between Rascal Flatts, Michael Buble, Hootie and the Blowfish, and Weezer. Unfortunately, I have about 8 songs on my iPhone, and about half of those songs are sappy love songs. I'm sorry but it gets a little difficult to motivate yourself to the lyrics of "I melt every time you look at me that way..."

As a result of this lack of music, I knew I had to put my game face on. So I ran. At first it was easy, and then it got hard, but then I kept going and it was easy again. The second time it got hard, I wanted to kill myself. But then it got easy again. My body was on a flippin roller coaster trying to decide if I was having a difficult time or finding this run relatively easy.

Luckily the third or fourth time it got hard, I came upon a huge distraction. And by huge, I mean a neighborhood full of multi-million dollar mansions. I live in Farmington right now and if you are unaware, Curtis Jackson also lives or did live in Farmington at one point. 50 Cent, aka Curt, makes millions of dollars because he can spit a rhyme. Yeah I said it, spit a rhyme. He lives in this town, so you can only imagine the type of house he lives in. Well, the street I was running on had those types of houses. Actually I couldn't run on those streets because they are "Private."

As I'm running on the side street, I'm thinking, "Why in the hell did I become a teacher?" I mean, I drive a Toyota Camry, so every time a Lexus, LandRover, Audi, or a BMW drove by, I threw up a little in my mouth. It could have been the humidity, plus the distance running, but I think it was mostly my disgust (aka jealousy) of the cars that were ever-so-politely driving past me.

So as I'm passing these cars, passing runners and bikers with matching Under Armour outfits, and passing dogs with more expensive pedicures than myself, I'm asking myself: why the hell did I become a teacher?

And then it hit me...I'm leisurely running (soooo not a leisure run) at 11:00am on a Thursday. And after, I jumped in the pool for a bit.

That is why I became a teacher.

So to all you teachers out there, congratulations! Enjoy these next couple of months as much as I'm going to. I may be running, but I'm still hoping this turns into an addiction, which people say it does. I mean for someone who hates running with a passion, if I can at least like it, I'll be happy.

But yes, that is why those 9:00 teacher nights are worth it. I get to do whatever the hell I would like for the next 2.5 months. Holler to that!

Side note: I was telling my mom how I'm so happy I started to write this blog. I honestly feel like it's gonna keep me going until October 9 because now that people know I'm doing this, I feel like I have to keep up the blog, which makes me have to keep up the training so I have something to write about. Then my mom said, "Yeah, it's kind of like those weight loss meetings."

And I realized, it's soooooooo not like those weight loss meetings. At such institutions, you pay $100 to have some stranger weigh you and then tell you that taking off your shoes isn't going to make a difference in the amount of weight you lost. And if you're lucky enough to have actually lost a pound, or possibly two, you get a sticker! Now, I realize how exciting it is for my 8 year olds to get a sticker, but those stickers are about 5 cents a pop. Is it really worth the membership price of about $50 a month for a sticker?! What the front door, I ask you. No, it is not.

To those people that go to those meetings, if stickers motivate you, good for you. (I do question your intelligence, however.) And for those of you who are not motivated by a sticker, start a blog.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Today was a rest day which was nice because I’ve been moving crap allllllll day. Travis and I bought a condo which is exciting, but also a shitload of work. Today the Salvation Army came and took our couches, coffee table, entertainment center, and the 2 pink chairs Stephanie and I used to spin each other on in middle school….and high school. (And probably a couple times last year during our 5th year of college.)

There is currently a bed, a chase lounge, a book case, and two TVs in my apartment. As a result of being a cheap ass, or something else as my friend Conte calls me, I only have 20 channels on the T.V. in the bedroom. Clearly this doesn’t work for me unless I’m watching Seinfeld or The Office right before bed.

So I am sitting on a cushion in the middle of a big room, because……………I’m slow. I, me personally, got the chase lounge into the bedroom in August. If I got it in, I should be able to get it out. Right? WRONG!

After I got back from my insane spin class, I attempted to drag the chase lounge into the living room. After about 15 attempts and many “What the front door?”’s (Possibly using a bit more adult language), I said screw it and just took the cushions. So I am sitting in the middle of the floor in my apartment…on a cushion. Such a stud.

So anyway, spin was good. The guy is a slave driver, but then acts all nice at the end. Like, I want to punch you in the face because you only have us one 30 second break in an hour, but I’m too happy it’s over and that I get to go home and have the rest of my Subway sandwich. So I peaced out quick, but that was after he told me there is a glitch in the new iPhone 4 software, so beware you crazy iPhoners that have already or are about to update your phone.

Since nothing funny happened during spin, I figured I could just spit a funny story from Atlantic City. I know this is getting long, but suck it up and read it. How much reading do you do in a day anyway?

So a bunch of girls went to Atlantic City for Kerri’s bachelorette party and it was beyond insane. Thank God it was before this training began. Anyway, the second night was the big bash. After an interesting pre-game, all of the ladies went to this bar called Murmur in the Borgata hotel. DJ Jazzy Jeff was the DJ that night, no lies. He was the best DJ I’ve ever had the privilege of dancing to.

After several people fell off the stage, I needed a bathroom break. When I come out of the bathroom, the entire group of about 15 girls was gone. Who’s the prick? Oh that’s right, it’s Kasey. Leaving me in the trenches…taking grenades, K-Hole.

So I figured the group headed over to the other bar. As I was about to leave to hopefully rejoin the group, I realized I did not cash out my tab. As I walk over to the bar, a man of, shall we say, color? came up to me and asked me if I would like a shot.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever met a 24 year old girl, but the answer to that question, is invariably going to be yes. Sooooo, as you can guess, I said “Yes.” We walk up to the bar and we start talking. The bartender is taking his or her (can’t remember) sweet time coming up to us. So as the conversation gets a little more in depth, (And when I say in depth, I mean he asked me my name and why I was at the Borgata) he then follows with “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

As all of you who are reading this know, yes, yes I do. And I’m not a douche bag, so I said, “Yes, yes I do.” Well apparentlyyyyyyyy, that’s not something a man wants to hear. He actually got pissed and told me I was “false advertising.” Now, I don’t understand this. He asked me if I wanted a shot…I did. When someone asks me if I want something, and I do want that something in question, then hell yes I’m going to say yes. What do you think I’m dumb? Plus, it’s a free shot, I don’t care who it’s coming from. (This cheap thing is starting to become a theme.)

He legit told me he was not buying me a shot and I should stop telling people I want shots. I felt like I was in Seinfeld…. “NO SHOT FOR YOU! 2 YEARS!”

Now, I thought this was the funniest part of this story, but the best part is actually when I told my dad this story. It was Father’s Day and we were out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I thought I would tell a funny limerick to amuse my parents, but this story actually ended in a parental advisory warning.

My dad: “Lauren, do you know what a man wants when he asks you if you want a shot?”

And, I’ll leave it at that.

First big run tomorrow. 5 miles. Yeah, I said big. I’ve ran 5 miles in my life before…twice. Count it, that’s one and then one more. So this may be a challenge for me, and it’s only the first week.

Oh and MOST IMPORTANTLY, Thank you to Chris LaCava for being the best support ever! He ever-so-graciously came up with my entire training schedule for me. Cava, you are the best! THANK YOU!

P.S. He said this to me on Facebook

“:Nice blog. You can give me a shout out if you want. Lol. Enjoy the easy, early weeks.

Yesterday at 11:56pm · LikeUnlike ·

See that…easy, early weeks…CRAP, what am I getting myself into?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

June 22 - Started This Week

Soooooooooooooooo, it started this week.

Yesterday, my 1/2 marathon training started. The best part? It was a rest day. So I can walk around and tell people I started training for a 1/2 marathon, but actually I didn't run yesterday....at all. I'm not really quite sure how that works, but I do enjoy telling people I'm training for a 1/2 marathon, when I hadn't even put on my running shoes. I look like a total stud.

The first run was this morning. 6:20 am. 2 miles. 13:34 minutes per mile. As my students say, Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy Motha F*cka! Well, they don't say the last part...usually it's Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy, ya f*ckin prick! I work in a tough district. 16 white kids, it's insanity. I don't know how I'm still standing after my first year.

So anyway, I go on this run this morning. Wait a minute, 2 miles at 13:34, that's more of a yog. So I go on this yog this morning and I decide to take a road I've never taken. I'm so happy I did because I found this awesome road with a sidewalk that passed a pond and then a lake. Very relaxing. I was so happy to find a place to run near water, but then I also realized what an idiot am....

For the past 6 weeks, I've been searching for a pond near my place so I could find tadpoles for the Pond Life Unit I was teaching. I mean I say I've been searching, I really just kept my eyes peeled during my drive home. However, I told my students that I'd been searching night and day for these damn tadpoles. (Side note: this was after I'd killed the 20 tadpoles a student of mine had already brought in. Woops.)

I finally asked another teacher where there was a pond near the school and she gave me directions. Where I work is in the middle of nowhere. In fact, it's so in the middle of nowhere, my Garmin, aka Glorious Gloria the Garmin, does not recognize most of the back roads. If the Garmin can't find it, this blonde sure, as hell can't. I was lost for a solid 20 minutes, when I came across a pond. (I have no clue if it's the one I was even looking for.)

So I get out of the car and realize I have to hike a good quarter mile in heels, black pants, and as a colleague of mine calls it, my club shirt. The typical hikers stared, but I liked it. Again, I looked like a stud.

I make my hike, roll up my pants, squish through the mud, and scoop up these damn tadpoles. I forgot to mention it was the night of our Celebration of Learning where all parents were joining my students and I to showcase what we've learned. Muddy feet + humid day + hungover from AC Bachelorette Party = Fabulous Teacher.

If only I started this 1/2 marathon training earlier...I could've avoided this entire mess and got these tadpoles a mile from my apartment.

Training will resume tomorrow. Lucky for me...it's another rest day! Spinning, here I come...