Thursday, July 29, 2010

Who's the ass?

Sooooo.....I'm the ass.

I went to the gym tonight to complete a 7 mile run. There were 3 miles at 11:08 and the rest were jogs to start, end, and in between. Things went pretty good minus two things.

First, my hand hit the iPod cord and my iPod went flying off the treadmill. I'm the ass who had to jump off, almost tripping, to retrieve said iPod. I literally saw two people "secretly" laugh at me and then a third blatantly laugh in my face. He was also on the treadmill next to me in which we continued to run in unison for another several miles. Now in this situation, do I say something? And by something, I mean, something along the lines of "Yeah, I know, I'm the asshole." I ended up not saying anything, so he probably thinks I'm stuck up, but I'm okay with that.

Second, what the hell is up with treadmills at the gym? I'm not sure if it's because there is a "30 Minute Limit When People are Waiting" sign or the gym owners don't want people to pass out, but every time I do a long run the treadmill decides I've had enough at 5 miles. So then when I hit 4.75 miles, I feel an abrupt jolt and the treadmill goes into cool down mode. Then I bump it back up to my normal pace and two seconds later, it attempts cool down mode again. What the front door?! I'm not sure if you've been on a treadmill and this has happened to you, but it sucks. Does anyone know how to make this not happen? Whenever I finish a run like that, after several under-the-breath swears, I promise myself to ask a trainer how to fix it, but I always forget. Then I remember as I try to catch myself and not fall the next time I run. I do not enjoy when that happens.

I do enjoy the new Rihanna and Eminmem song. Well, at this point, it's not new. However, there is something I don't understand about this song. Here are a couple of lyrics from the song:

But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again

If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

And here are some headlines that have to do with Rihanna from a couple months ago:

Not the first time Chris Brown abused me, Rihanna tells police: report

Rihanna Seen at L.A. Hospital; Chris Brown Charged With Making 'Criminal Threats'

Rihanna's Injuries -- "Horrific"

Report: Rihanna Tells Cops Brown's Hit Her Before

Soooooooo, why would someone who is a victim of domestic violence willingly be a part of a song that is basically about domestic violence. Am I missing something here?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

One of My Jedi's at a Talent Show!!

The embedding code isn't working, so copy and paste this into your browser:

Stranger Man and Crazy Produce Man-Child

I'm house sitting at the Pliego's who just went to Orlando, Florida to surprise their very good friend Betsy for her birthday...lucky bastards. Well, they have a treadmill with a TV in it in their basement, so I figured it would be a good opportunity to get my long run in. I start running and it's alright. I'm going at my normal 5.0 speed, watching FRIENDS. Now FRIENDS, is a favorite, so I kept wondering why I was watching the distance calculator and wondering what the hell was taking so long. I'm starting to cramp up, I'm sweating bullets, and FRIENDS just isn't cutting it (which should never happen).

At 2.5 miles, I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me. Maybe it was the lunch I had earlier today. Maybe, it's because I hadn't run since the past Thursday. Maybe, it's because I didn't drink enough water toady. hits me. I'm running on the treadmill of Nicole Pliego, a woman who runs...for fun. She's also a teeny, tiny woman who I'm sure loves to challenge herself during a good run. So I realize that the incline is probably not at 0.0% which it obviously is when I'm running. After I fumble around on the thing for a couple minutes...whilst jogging...I figure out how to turn it to 0.0% and am instantly amazed at how much easier the run is. I realize that I can actually finish the run and it wasn't a fluke that I could run 7 miles the previous week.

It was challenging, but I finished it. It's very odd how each run feels entirely different. I ran 6 miles last Thursday and the run wasn't tough, but I was exhausted afterwords. I just had to sit down. The run last night was tough as hell during it, but I was perfectly fine after. What the front door? Why is every run a different experience?

On a side note: Congratulations to Chris and Kerri O'Connor! These two lovebirds are honeymooning in Aruba right now after a drunkenly, fantastic wedding. The bartender told Mr. Kaylor that he's been a wedding bartender for 25 years and never in his career, has he made more money in tips or served more alcohol. Does that surprise anyone? We weren't at a wedding, we were at a Kaylor/O'Connor Irish Festival.

I clearly dropped my drink glass on the dance floor. Kerri's girlfriend from college was doing push ups while drinking out of a glass on the dance floor. And then Kerri and her friends were smashing glasses on the dance floor on purpose during the song, "Walking on Broken Glass." Clearly they take things a bit too literal over at Pace University.

The best part of the night had to have been the man-child at my table. Now, a few weeks ago, I made my table with the bride. I said who I wanted and she was okay with it. Then all of a sudden, the bridezilla decides to throw this man-child into the mix. I can't tell you much about this man-child, but I can tell you that he's 38 and doesn't wear a belt or an undershirt. After he'd unbuttoned his shirt to reveal his hairless chest, Travis says "He's everything I wanted....and more."

Travis' statement happened because I had previously warned Trav about this man....child. We were pulling up to the hotel as I was finishing my story about what I knew about this man...child...and from the car in front of us, steps out this guy...a 6'3", white trash, woman-hater. He stands up to reveal his half-empty Bud Light bottle (that I'm sure he stole from somewhere, since his typical drink is a Busch). The man-child then, quite literally, went bottoms up and chugged the rest of his beer, threw it to the side of the hotel entrance, and belched a doozy. He then walks into the hotel, where I walk by and overhear him questioning the hotel manager why they don't have any open rooms. Kerri had told us all months previous that we needed to book our rooms because they're typically sold out in the summer. Man-child doesn't care, and clearly doesn't live by the rules. Not sure where he ended up that night, but I was happy I was at a wedding, in which you were expected to be out of your seat and on the dance floor.

I wonder if Man-Child might be related to Crazy, who I recently saw again swimming in her clothes. This time...she was with a man. Maybe Stranger Man and Crazy mated and produced Man-Child.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Drinking vs. Running

My mom just asked me: "Do you like running now or do you still prefer margaritas?"

I think the answer is obvious. I mean I did enjoy my four mile run last night. It definitely cleared my head, but to ask if I like running more than drinking is just ridiculous!

I'm pretty positive that drinking will always rank higher than running on the fun scale. It may be a close second....wait, will never be a close second.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Zip On!

So I'm just recuperating from my 10th amazing weekend in a row! After the Jedi Training Ceremony on Friday where my Jedi's in Training became official Jedi's able to use and understand the force, Kas and I went and got lunch. This started off the fun where we made friends jealous that we were at the Put Hut at 12:30 on a Friday afternoon drinking a beer. We provided entertainment to a woman next to us who laughed out loud during our conversation. Apparently she was eaves dropping when she heard me say "Alright Kas, don't let me drink too much tonight." (Why would I put this responsibility on the birthday girl?) And Kas's response: "Alright, what I do is start the night off with 2 vodka drinks to get it going and then switch to beer." And I replied "Yeah, that's a good idea. Why am I always the douchebag buying Red Bull and Vodka's all night." This was about the time when the woman literally laughed at us.

As I go home to get ready, I decided to ask my mom her opinion on my outfit. Now that I think about it, this was probably a mistake. Your parents are always your toughest critiques. (They don't enjoy this all.) After several different outfit changes, I decided on shorts and a zebra print top. I came out and said "Mom, is this one better?" And my dad comes strutting around the corner and says "Uhhh NO! You look like a hooker!" I'm hoping my dad at least thought I looked like a high-end hooker. Maybe one for the professional athletes. So I decided that maybe Molly's wasn't ready for the outfit either and changed for about the 8th time.

I did go with the 2 vodka drinks and switch to beer routine. Best decision I've made in awhile. I had a great night, until it was time to go. We go there knowing we have no ride home, so we typically get a cab home. (Which is not a good idea when you're leaving Molly's and going to a house close to Redding. That's a pretty damn expensive cab ride.) Apparently, Danbury only has one cab driver in its entire city. We waited from 1:45am to 3:30am for a cab driver. That's right...1 hour 45 minutes sitting on a stoop being eaten alive by bugs. Shit was crazy weak.

Went to bed at 4:30am and woke up at 7:40am. I then, went home to shower and get ready for the bachelorette party. We started with a ziplining event. It was amazing!! One of the coolest things I've ever done. I walked across a tight rope that was 50 feet in the air! It was nucking futs! Ziiiiiiiiip onnnnnnn!! The place is called Empower Me in Middletown, CT. I highly recommend this for any outing. And I'm definitely doing it again. Maybe, I'll do it the same day I go sky diving.

Yessssss...I'm going sky diving! Steph bought Kasey, herself, and I passes to go skydiving on August 28th! I'd say that is an excellent way to end the summer! I'm turning into quite the daredevil. Thanks Garrison!

After the ziplining, we went back to Mags to get ready and watch her put on a lot of penis paraphernalia. We then went to a drag show. Such a great idea for a bachelorette party. It was an excellent way to end the night. Gay people love a bride to be. After many Cher and Barbara Streisand impersonations, we made it back to Mags to end the night with a feast.

All in all, amazing weekend. And luckily, this week is a short distance week and I only have to run 4 miles today. So after unpacking box after box, I'll end the weekend with a relaxing run.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

3 miles were hard? What?!

So I had another great day of summer today. I taught my awesome group of Jedi's in Training, had lunch with Pops, relaxed a little, bought an iPhone 4, and shopped for a special birthday coming up. I got home around 8:00pm and did not want to all. I did, though, because Chris told me, sometimes you just gotta push yourself to get out there. So I pushed myself, especially because I wanted to try my new shoes.

Well, the shoes were awesome. Literally felt like I was running on clouds. I was excited to feel the difference between no-cotton socks & brand-new running shoes from 6 year old Nike Shocks and blister forming "socks." And trust me, I could tell the difference. It was amazing.


About .2 miles into this run, the good ole iPod decided to freeze on me. Strike 1.

The downpour didn't really cool anything down. Strike 2.

Crazy hills. Strike 3

The 7 mile run I did on Monday was a hell of a lot easier than the measly 3 mile run I just finished. What the front door is that about?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Just For Fun...In honor of my new shoes...Bring it way back with this one...

New Shoes Finally!!

So I finally went out to get new shoes today! After my seven mile run last night, I realized it was time. I was in Bethel for the night and the only shoes I had were my 6 year old Shocks. I ran seven 12 minute miles in those shoes. Let's just say, I have blisters on my feet where I (and probably no one else in this world) has had blisters before. I knew it was time after I took my Shocks off last night.

Now before I move onto my shoe shopping experience, I want you to all take in the fact that I ran 7 miles straight, while watching the Bachelorette. I'm telling you, as long as ABC is playing during this 1/2 marathon, there will be no problems.

In the midst of the torrential downpour, I went to Kilometers in Ridgefield, CT...I highly recommend it. The owner was there and he was an all-around great guy. He helped fit me for my shoes. I first had to stand straight and he looked at who knows what. I then had to stand on this mat that was hooked up to this computer. After that, I had to walk across that same mat forward and backward. The computer then then some computer things and told me that I have extremely high arches and a slight roll when I walk.

We then went to another part of the store, where my foot had to be measured sitting down and standing up. I am a 6.5, but had to buy a 7, because the shoes were made in China. (Sorry tigah now!) He then grabbed the fine pair of Saucony's you see above. I tried them on and then had to run on the treadmill for a quarter mile. Now, I wasn't expecting to have to do this, so I was not wearing a Sports Bra. Ladies, you know what it's like to run without a sports bra. Well, Maybe I should direct that comment to the more, shall we say...chesty, women of the blog world. Let me tell you, that shit is weak. If I've learned anything these past couple of weeks, it's that you need the proper gear to run, whether it's shoes or a sports bra.

I also bought 3 pairs of socks. They are specially made for high-arched people, like myself, and they have "breathability." Apparently that is what I was missing, the whole breathability thing. You should not be wearing cotton socks while you are running long distances. Chris told me he thought the socks were an obvious thing. How is not wearing cotton socks while running long distances an obvious thing, Chris?! Tell me!

The owner at Kilometers also told me he does a free running clinic at 8:45am every Thursday morning at Ridgefield High School. Just thought I'd pass along that tidbit.

P.S. I didn't mind the 7 miles last night and I'm actually excited for the 3 miles today to try out my new shoes. Could it be?! Am I slowly moving toward liking running????

Friday, July 9, 2010

Master C of the Jedi Training Academy

So I'm not hating running anymore. I did 5 miles on the treadmill last night and I was fine with it. I was watching ESPN newscasters bash Lebron for about an hour, so it kept me somewhat interested. I was thinking, if I could watch this while I run and be somewhat distracted, I wonder how many miles I could run if I was watching, say...the Bachelorette? Or....Grey's Anatomy? I could possibly be a marathon runner at this point.

Today, I'm feeling the slight oncoming of medial tibial stress syndrome. For those of you non-medical friends of mine...shin splints. I found this on the internet:

"The risk of shin splints is no reason to give up your morning jog or afternoon aerobics class. Most cases of shin splints can be treated with rest, ice and other self-care measures — and wearing proper footwear and modifying your exercise routine can help prevent shin splints from recurring."

So I'm guessing the fact that I still have not bought new running shoes might be a part of the reason I'm getting shin splints. I also have had a total of 6 blisters on two of my toes. So I will be heading to the store today for a new pair of running shoes. The internet quote says to not give up your morning jog, but to treat shin splints with rest and other self-care measures. I will rest and not run today as I'm treating my very serious condition. Instead, I will my-boyfriend's-last-name a couple laps in the pool. The internet also says "other self-care measures" which I have taken to mean alcohol. So I will be heading out around 5pm to sip on some self-care measure.

Now before I head out to the pool, I have to share what one of my students said today. Maggie Hogan and I are teaching a Jedi Training Academy course in Bethel this summer. The kids are...enthusiastic...about Star Wars. We'll leave it at that. This one boy, who is actually hilarious, almost made me pee myself today. We're sitting in a group coming up with a play and he says, "Master C, can I please go in the other room so I can fart?"

I'll leave you with that...and yes, they call me Master C.

Monday, July 5, 2010

6 Miles

6 Miles down! I jogged the entire thing after the weekend I just had. Yes, I'm slapping my own back. And yes, I want a cookie.

What the french...toast?!

It's been an interesting weekend.

Friday was a good day. I ran those 4 miles on my rest day. My cousin was up with the cutest baby in the world, her son Max, and I had a couple frozen margaritas by the pool. Life was good, until...a certain someone who shall remain anonymous spilled wine all over my personal laptop, which will now not turn on. Then, the ladies who were at the house wanted me to try on the dress I was planning to wear to the wedding. I was then told by these ladies that I should not wear that dress to the wedding. Thank you ladies.

Luckily, I brought a black dress just in case. Well I tried that dress on and that was the winner in these ladies' minds. One problem, there are loops on the dress where a belt needs to go. I do not have a belt. So I then realize it is my mission to find a belt on Saturday morning.

Saturday rolls around. I leave Travis with my family and go looking for a belt. Well, let's just say three stores later, I was not in the best of moods. I finally decide to stop at the good ole Target (said the fancy pants way). I leave Target with four belts. I bring the belts home. I then try on the black dress with each of the four belts and my mother and darling cousin do not like any of the belts. The one I ended up wearing was "okay." So I leave for the wedding feeling "okay." My feet on the other hand, did not feel okay. Putting those heels on over those blisters was pure torture.

We get to the church and obviously we're late, because we can't make it to anything on time. The ushers tell us we have to wait until the bridesmaids go down the aisle. So we are clearly the assholes in this situation. Once we get to our seats, Amy and Jaime get married. (2 things: Not lesbians, and I can't mention anything about the rhyming....)

So we go to this wedding and this is where the heavy drinking begins. A friend suggested a drink called "Rainstorm" because it's a delicious treat. It's called Rainstorm because the bartender has SEVEN children and one is named Rain and another is named Storm. Why did I not ask what the names of the other five are.....? However, guessing them could be a pretty fun game.

The wedding was awesome, the Zoo played and they are the shit. Drinks were good. Then Trav had to leave to go to a bachelor party in Cape Cod, so I decided it would be a good idea to go out. Kasey picked me up and we went to Molly's. And no, I did not change, I went to Molly's in my wedding dress. I then continued to drink until 5:00am and fell asleep on some random couch. Kate wakes up in the morning and has no idea where she is and says to the owner of this house: "Where's Lauren?" And his reply was "I don't know who Lauren is, but there's some blond on the couch upstairs." Keepin' it reallllll classyyyyy.....

Kate and I luckily get a ride back to Kerri's. I'm still in my wedding dress. Lou, Kerri, and I decide that Bagelman is clearly the best option. So we order food, and when I say food, I mean feast. My breakfast cost $15.00. What breakfast can you get at Bagelman for $15.00?

When we get to Bagelman, I'm still in my wedding dress. And I'm definitely still drunk, as are Kerri and Lou. I've never received more dirty looks in my life. I didn't understand it though, because I was in a wedding dress. I was the best dressed one in that fine establishment. Well the people behind the counter didn't think so. They blatantly ignored us about 7 times until Lou literally yells in this woman's face: "What the french, toast?!" After she recovered from this blow, she gave us our food because she wanted us out.

As the three of us are drunkenly devouring our feast, Kerri and Lou decide to provide some fine dining entertainment. I don't know if anyone is familiar with this site called, but I was not. So without warning, Kerri pulls this site up and it is a site where people video chat with each other. However, there is not much chatting and getting to know you. There is a lot of peepee touches happening. So it is basically a site for all the perverts from around the world. People kept "nexting" us because we were just giggling at every person. Must have really been a confidence booster for those fine gentleman who were fondling themselves hoping people will watch.


So I finally get a ride back to my house...still in my wedding dress. Then we head back to the Kaylor's for some more boozin by the pool. I could not drink anymore at this point, so I did not partake, minus the one Bloody Mary I enjoyed.

Then it was time for the birthday party. Whose birthday party you may be asking yourself...oh that's right...America's birthday party. We head over to this lake house in New York and enjoy an excellent fireworks display. Clearly there was more drinking occurring at this point. It was an interesting night to say the least. I won't tell you much about it, but here is a little taste of the texting conversation Kasey and I were having. Now you may be wondering why we would text each other if we were with each other...that was obviously so Kasey could talk about the guy hitting on her. So here's some of the conversation:

Kasey: HaTteee himm
Kasey: Nooo lovvveeee
Lauren: Noooooooooooovvvvvvvvvveeeeep
Kasey: Noo love love dfont hurty me
Kasey: CHopppinesS
Kasey: Meet me haldfFf wayT
Kasey: Hey douche, u go fuck urself faggot
Lauren: Fagggghottttt!!
Kasey: Griiimmmeeee
Kasey: This kids breathe smeels. Like kitty liter
Lauren: Ewww!! Let's get a duff ride home
Kasey: Duff?
Kasey: Hey douche, -p it or I break ur hip
Lauren: Ummm...?
Lauren: Hahha okay zahara
Kasey: No. For reall this kidS breathe smells worse than the dump Lou took earlier
Kasey: I'd ythid happniNg
Lauren: U legit look like ur going to their ip
Kasey Ip?
Lauren: Up
Kasey: ANnnooyyiingh
Lauren: Omg
Kasey: Redic
Kasey: Prob So Coollll
Kasey: FaggggoooootttTt
Lauren: Faggot!
Kasey: Hey douche, ur so sunmnbruneT ur SO cool $

Like I said before...interesting night...

Today is a 6 mile run. My body legit hates me. I haven't taken out my contacts in 2 days. Why am I living my life like I'm on Spring Break? Oh I know...because it's fun. Who knows if I'll be saying that after this run which clearly won't be happening any time soon. On to lay by the pool and take a little nappy with shampoo in my lappy.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Why did I run four miles on my rest day?

So I woke up this morning and went for a four mile run with Kristen. Kristen, you are awesome and you got me through that run. Now, as I'm running these four miles, I'm thinking in my head, why the hell would I wake up at 7:20am on a Saturday (Oh wait, Saturday for me, but Friday for the rest of the world.) to run four miles. My blisters are killing, as is the rest of my body from yesterday's 5.25 miles.

Well I finally figured out the reason. A little man named Jose Cuervo. I am currently by the pool enjoying a frozen margarita.

P.S. I have to say that I ran the entire four miles today, and some, shall we say...tiny....girl had to stop twice to walk! Holla at a playa when you see em on the street!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Suck it!

My entire body was sore when I woke up this morning. On Tuesday, Mags and I went to the gym. (Holla atcha girl Mags!) I ran two miles and then we did spin, which was fine. Well, actually not fine. Might possibly be one of the worst instructors I've ever been to. I never actually heard someone use the term "Beautiful Flat" before this class. This woman used it incessantly, along with the term "Gimme a small increment" to the point where Maggie and I almost left the class. Her ridiculous spin lingo along with her Puerto Rican Poppi music was enough to make the class feel like 2 hours instead of just one. (Side note: I just had to ask Maggie what the small increment term was and she told me and then said "My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it!" and five minutes later she said "I seriously do not like that woman!") Let's just say it was a painful workout in more ways than one.

Yesterday, I decided to go to Boot Camp. That was a mistake. Don't get me wrong, this instructor is the best. He's this little Puerto Rican guy (I'm starting to notice a theme) and he just loves life and you can tell. He is also in the best shape out of anyone I've ever met. He runs his class as if everyone is in the best shape of their life. Well this senorita sue isn't. Every single muscle in my body is in pain.

And today happens to be a big run day. My program says:

Dist: 5 mi, inc
Warm; 2x1600 in 11:15
w/800 jogs; Cool

Now, I don't think I'm at the point where I can run everything, so I had a couple walks in there, but I still think I did a pretty damn good job. (Cava, if you're reading this, tell me if what I did is acceptable.) This is what I did:

Walk 1 lap
Jog 3 laps
Run 4 laps (10:05)
Walk 1 lap
Jog 1 lap
Run 4 laps (11:09)
Walk 1 lap
Jog 5 laps
Walk 1 lap

That would be a total of 21 laps! 5.25 miles. Now the two miles that I ran were pretty damn good because I was supposed to run them in 11:15. I'm pretty sure 10:05 is the fastest I've ever run a mile. "The Annual Mile" that we had to run in school was literally a moment I dreaded every year. So I was not looking forward to circling the track 21 times, but I did it! And a little secret for ya....after the 10:05, I whispered to myself: "Good job Lauren." PAGING DR. FAGGOT! I know I'm a tool, but you know what, in the words of D-Generation X...SUCK IT!