Friday, June 25, 2010

What's your sign?

As I was supposed to be packing up "the office" (aka the junk room), I realized how amazing it was outside. I then looked out at the apartment complex pool and realized, I don't need to pack because apparently, we have this place for all of July, as well. (Travis and I have been trying to rid ourselves of this apartment since May, but apparently it's not going to happen until August!)

So I said, screw the office, I'm going by the pool. Now, as I pointed out yesterday, I am a very lucky person because I have the next couple of months to have the option of sitting out by the pool. (Kas, sorry about your luck, pal!) So today I learned that teachers have this option, as well as some other interesting characters.

Now, I've been living in this complex for almost a year now and I've learned that even though this is Farmington, a town where 50 Cent lives, there are still people living here who are about four quarters short of a dollar.

I've got a kid across the hall who lives with his parents and has literally not left the apartment in four years. Every time anyone opens the door, he cracks his door open making sure no one is coming in to kill him. I keep picturing Nick Swardson in Benchwarmers guzzling suntan lotion.

I've got a fireman upstairs who is mad at the world and is unfortunately on call alllllllll night. Living underneath someone who is up all hours of the night sucks.

And we've got a man who bike rides within a one mile radius searching through dumpsters for cans. He also plays hide and go seek with cars by jumping out from behind telephone poles.

Now, I've got all these crazies living here. Today, however, the woman I had the pleasure of viewing....this one, takes the cake.

I walk in to a seemingly okay situation. A couple girls there baking in the sun, a mom and her daughter reading books, a couple drinking some beer and chatting, a mother and her 2 sons, and a nice looking lady.

I set up my towel, sit down, and start to read my book. I'm trying to get into my book, when the woman with her 2 sons comes up to a girl sitting in front of me. She walks over and bluntly asks "Do you babysit?" Now, if I was this girl, I would have proceeded with caution. This mother has been running around the pool asking her kids to "Stop running!" and to "Be nice to each other!" Now, I say asking instead of telling, because her kids are basically just shitting all over her. They clearly run the household, but I'm not sure Mom cares too much. After a couple minutes of pulling the "I'm a good Mom, I swear it!" routine, she sits back down and lights up her cig.

So if this woman came up to me and asked if I babysit, I would simply say "Uhh, hell no." But this girl must be more broke than I am. She said yes and then they get into a conversation about schedules and jobs. Then the mother asks, "Well can you babysit tonight?" Now...I know I'm no mother, but shouldn't someone do a background check or make some reference calls before they leave their children with a complete stranger?

That was the first bit of entertainment. Very hard to read when you're people watching. I try to start reading again, and the Crazy starts.

"What's your sign?!" Now, at this point, I have no idea who this lady is talking to. I am staring a hole into my book praying she's not talking to me. And I'm pretty positive, everyone else is doing the same thing because it gets realllllll quiet. I take a peek from my book and see she's not looking in my direction, but at the nice couple awkwardly trying to avoid her.

She says it again, but this time, louder: "WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?!" Now, I have to give this kid credit because he tried so hard to not start this conversation, but Crazy just wasn't having it. When he realized he was at the point of no return, he answered her with a "What was that now?"

And that was it. It was over at that point. I quietly put my book down and got ready for the show. If only there was some popcorn out there.

Crazy talks to this young couple for about half an hour telling them all about Astrology and if they're interested in astrology after speaking with her, they should pick up this great book she's learned so much from. She then asks if they like Twisted Tea. At this point, I have to take a sneak peek and I look over at her, where she is in fact, drinking a Twisted Tea. Then she starts going off about how good Twisted Tea is but she is so sad it's about to be gone. Now, I thought this was interesting, especially because she was eyeing this young couple's cooler as she was saying this.

The kid, being the nice guy he is, offers her a beer. She then comes back with "I don't think you're allowed to drink alcohol here! But I did notice you have a Diet Coke in there, a Diet Coke would be just great right now." So she throws her empty alcoholic beverage bottle and waltzes over to take a Diet Coke out of their cooler. She then cracks it open and walks over to the mother from before and asks to bum a cig.

I'm sitting on my towel hiding my face because I'm giggling like a school girl, at this point.

After Crazy drinks her Diet Coke and finishes her stoge, she decides it's a great time for a swim. Now being at a pool, you would think one would come prepared with a bathing suit. Crazy clearly doesn't live by the rules. She jumps in, clothes and all. Now this is fine, except.... (OMG, I just had to stop typing so I could laugh.)

Crazy is relaxing in the pool by floating on her back. She's wearing an XL t-shirt. I'm not sure if you've ever swam in your clothes, but if you're wearing something loose, it will indeed float up. Crazy was so relaxed that she didn't realize her t-shirt was floating up. Well either she didn't realize, or she just doesn't give a shit.

I glance into the pool and am greeted by the lovely sight of her two crazy breasts. Not only is that a titillating sight (no pun intended), but it is topped off with an impressive belch that basically puts me into hysterics. The young couple and I have made eye contact and cannot control ourselves at this point.

Crazy is lurking around the pool looking for people to stalk. I, luckily, am a very talented actress and quickly turned looking intensely fascinated with my book. The babysitter wasn't so lucky. (Side note: I am interested in my book, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, except there was one line that I just have to share: I heard that Cocoa wake up to her cootchie spoilt like a rotten oyster. I'm sorry I shared that, but I was so disgusted with this line that I figured it would be fun to disgust anyone who is reading this.)

Anyway, yes the babysitter wasn't so lucky:

Crazy: "What's that, The Godfather, you're reading?!"
Babysitter: "Umm, yeah..."
Crazy: "I've seen that movie."

She moves on and continues to lurk....once she gets out of the pool, she heads right over to the mother and says "If you give me one more cigarette, I promise to pay you back...sometime."

I'm not quite sure if the mother gives up a cig or not, but I do know that she went in for lunch only minutes after.

Then the couple gets up and leaves.

Then the babysitter gets up and leaves.

Then the mother and her daughter look at me and we all realize this is a basically a Mexican Stand-Off.

I, luckily, only have a towel and a book, while they have chairs, a radio, a cooler, and beach bags. They sadly realize I have won this battle, as I hop up and end my pool day early. Suckers....

Now, I realize this post has noting to do with the 1/2 marathon or working out or whatever, but this was something I had to share. Crazy is one for the books, or shall I say, one for the blogs.

Rest Day today, which means Mags and I will be heading to spinning later this afternoon. Now onto some packing aka getting a pedicure. Mmmm, I love not working.

1 comment:

  1. haha nick swardson- I hope you enjoy those thin mints at my funeral!
    obviously not as good as ole katrina circle